I miss you today. I feel an emptiness. I long for the touch I
will never feel. I long for the smile I will never see. I long for the voice I
will never hear. I long for our love that will never fade.
I love you, Michelle Anne. I miss you so much. Today my
longing is close to pain. Not from you, but from a loss. You would have and
never will bring me pain. But for the first time since you left me, I feel
actual pain.
Today marks 5 months since you closed your eyes in my arms.
I miss you more than ever. Time seems to stand still yet goes by so quickly. Opening
night tonight for “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown.” I wish you could see me
honey. You really would have liked it, I can hear your laugh and see your smile. You are with me though. Let’s do this.
I love you. Stephan says hi!
Love, Brian
Michelle, my love, my soulmate, my true love. When you were diagnosed
with cancer it broke us. We cried and vowed we would do everything we could to
come out ahead in the end. Here I sit almost 2 years later, alone at our
kitchen table that you stained and varnished, looking at the garden that you
planted for the birds that I watch every day and I think “You are still here.”
I think back to the time of diagnosis and think of how this time was a new time
for us. A new life. I was lucky to live not 1 life but 2 lives with my
soulmate. I was able to show my love for you by taking care of you. It started
out by taking you to appointments and making you 3 meals a day. Life was almost
normal except we both knew it wasn’t. Slowly time went on and things started to
deteriorate. Eventually I was lifting you in and out of bed and to and from the
toilet. The bedside commode was the only toilet we used because it was easier and
more convenient. Our love continued to grow as your health faded. Soon you
could no longer speak words to me. Your smile still lit the room when you
entered but you could only say one or 2 words. I was the lucky one to hear them
from your sweet lips. The days came when your bed was where you wanted to stay
and getting up was not an option for you. I read Grimm’s fairy tales to you,
and we held hands. Your smirk told me you were happy and relaxed. Then the
morning came that my heart was broken. I saw you drift from me forever. This
heart of mine that was so filled with our love for so many years now, was broken
in two. I cry. I mourn. I lament my loss. Hours drag on. Time is standing still
without you. 24 hours in a day but a day is an eternity without you. One day
passes and I think, it’s been just one day? I have the rest of my life to live
like this and it’s been just one day. The hours continue like this for days
until the hours finally turn into days. I look back and think wow, 3 days ago
she was here. On one hand it seems like it has been a very long time but on the
other hand it seems like a few hours. Days turn into weeks eventually and I
continue to mourn. It seems to not be getting any better. I am lonely and lost.
I go to bed alone and wake up alone. There is nobody to cook for, so I don’t eat.
Sleep is something that I get early in the night, 5 hours is normal.
Weeks soon are months, and I am finding a new normal. I think about my life with Michelle all the time, her memories surround me. My heart was once swollen, bursting with my love for my ladybug. When she was taken from me my swollen heart broke. When my heart broke, a new ventricle opened. Now, this empty ventricle, needs filling.
I have questions for you Michelle, what do you think? You know me better than anyone in the world. You told my daughter that you thought I would need someone to take care of me. How long is too long and how short is too short? Who is in charge of the grieving calendar? Who tells us when to grieve and when not to grieve?
There will never be another like you
my sweet ladybug. You are one of a kind and nothing will ever replace you in my
heart. I don’t want to replace you. I am not looking to have someone fill your
role or fill your shoes, they are way too big and difficult to fill. Impossible
if I must say.
I must though, move on. Find a new impossible. Find a new
set of shoes. Open a new ventricle to my ever-beating heart. My love for you
goes on forever babe. This love will never fade. Whether I can or cannot share
it with someone, you will always be with me when I am with them.
I love you forever. Love, Brian
A trigger hits and bam you are in tears. Possibly STUG,
which is the sudden temporary upsurge of grief, possibly a random Instagram reel.
There are many kinds of love, I was fortunate to have a unique love. One most
will never see. I’ve read about it, seen it on movies, I don’t think I have ever
seen anyone ever love the way Michelle and I did. This love truly does and will
last forever, even if I am the only one living to experience it. My experience
with our love is different now because it is a memory. I typed out “just a memory”
but that showed no justice to my true heart. She is and always will be my
everything. When I move on to another relationship, she will be part of that
through me.
I used to introduce Michelle as my bride or my “better half.”
Now that she is gone physically, we are whole. She completed me and has made me
into the man I am.
I cried for 20 minutes last night before using my lifeline
and “phoning a friend”. Plugged up nose and swollen eyes, I could barely breathe.
I miss you, Michelle. No matter what happens and no matter how long it has
been, my love will never change. I will always miss you and I will always be IN
love with you.
Love you Mucho Grande Babe
Bunches!
Brian
Oooga oooga
I remember Michelle saying this sometimes. She would look for something or struggle ever so slightly with something and then say ooga ooga. It was cute.
I was looking for my glasses this morning. I checked my head, not there, my chest, not there either. Not on the table - ooga ooga
Love, Brian
Michelle came to me one day in June of 2016. She was kind of uneasy and depressed. Michelle told me a story about her hair. She said that she would always change her hairstyle whenever she changed her relationship status. This status had not changed in over 16 years, and she was wanting to change her hairstyle. She was worried that if she changed her hair that something would happen with our relationship. A jinx was sure to happen if she cut her hair. After some coaxing and reassurance, she decided to go ahead with the change. She cut all of the length off the back. She shaved her head under her hairline. She was so excited because it was cooler for her. It was a really cute bob cut and it was very short. We both really liked it. I loved it for about 2 months until it started to grow back. It was either cut it again or let it grow back. It was at that transitional stage. She liked it for a lot less. It was probably a month before she was already missing her long hair and couldn’t wait for it to grow back. Lucky for her, her hair grew quickly.
I've had some rough moments.
I am really missing Michelle. It hits me and I get emotional. I get lonely and then wonder if it is loneliness or if it is sadness or what it is.
I just miss my companion. My soulmate.
I miss hearing BABE, or HI HOUNEY.
I miss her craziness and her seriousness. I miss seeing her faces. I miss seeing her cry and watching her laugh. I miss her dimples. I loved watching her walk, talk, eat and play. She was fun to be around. She loved being alive. She loved life. I loved watching her take care of the hummingbirds. Fill the birdfeeders. I remember how mad she was when I took the bird nest down on the back patio. I would go out to mow, so she would work in the garden.
Yin to my yang.
She was the normal to my crazy.
Everything I wasn’t.
She completed me.
What does that make me now? Half of what I was before? Of course, not. I think it makes me feel plum empty sometimes. Maybe not always anymore. Today though, a lot. Independence Day was special to Michelle. She liked it because it meant family. The last time we had all of the grandkids together with all of the kids was July 4th, 2022. 108 days before she was diagnosed with stage IV small cell carcinoma. Brain cancer, spinal cancer, liver cancer, lung cancer. This rocked our world and split this family up. Now I am left with nobody, which I am ok with, except … I really miss my glue. I love you honey
Love, Brian
Hi Babe.
It’s funny, life now. It used to be so mundane. I
knew what to expect and I knew what my relationship status was. Now I sit and
wonder about things. Will this change? Is it too soon to find new “friends”? Am
I needy? Do I need to feel wanted? I can be alone. Do I want to be? With you it
was easy, now it’s a challenge. I dredge on, watching the water fill in
afterward, what should I do with this dredged material now? Leave it alone and save
it for another day I suppose.
Your smile lit up a room. Strangers would approach you because you just felt welcoming. Those who knew you know that you didn’t like crowds and didn’t like being away from home. Those who didn’t know you saw a smile, bright welcoming eyes and open arms. What a gift you shared with all who were able to live in this world with you in it. Sweet Ladybug. I love you.
Love, Brian
Today marked the day of your birth. An ordinary day to most,
but to you it was special. You enjoyed being celebrated and loved. The joy you
would fill people with every day of the year would come back this one day and
fill your glass full. You would smile and get excited. All rules were out the
window. Nothing was off limits for you. What you want is what you got. Pure
joy.
There is darkness in death. We try to pretend there isn’t.
We celebrate the life instead of having a funeral. We cremate the body instead
of burying them and having a grave site memorial. Trying to bring light to a
dark ending. You were the light in our lives.
Your memory is now the light. This light is on a lot for me.
For some it isn’t and that’s ok. For some the light may be dimmer too. Last
night I was looking at the Strawberry Moon and suddenly a tear came out of
nowhere. It was beautiful. Talk about a flood light with one million lumens
shining on me. Your light was reminding me that this Strawberry Moon was bringing
joy to not only me, but millions of people around the world right now.
A little research told me that not only is this beautiful
site, on the eve of Chele’s birthday, called the Strawberry Moon, it has a second
name. The Honey Moon. The end of June traditionally marks the time for
harvesting honey, leading to the “sweetest” moon of the year.
Coincidence? I think not. In darkness you bring light. You
still amaze me my love. To say I’m inspired would be an understatement.
Thank you. Happy Birthday sweetheart.
Love, Brian
Because of you, I am better, stronger, wiser, and more loving than would ever have been possible without you.
Thank you Michelle
Love, Brian
I carry the memories of all of our special times together in my heart.
When I'm sad, I pick one and bring it to the front of my mind.
It made me smile when I thought about us building the wood bridge together. I put a string around the level and then tied it around my neck. I remember you chuckling about it then giving me a hard time about the level taking me under the water to my demise. You said you were worried about me strangling myself.
I looked dumb and I knew it. We both laughed. You also wondered why I didn't have the same safeguards for my DeWalt drill. Not too smart, we both laughed again.
I was sad a year ago, but my sadness was different. I was
thinking about the homeopathic meds I was giving Michelle and was still hopeful
they were working. I wrote in a journal entry that I had "hope and a
prayer." I also wondered where I was in June of 2022 and where were my
priorities and how much had changed. Then I asked myself where I would be in
June of 2024. I knew there would be a void, I just had no way of knowing how
large. This was the week of the “Life is a Highway” update. I wish there were
the ups from last year. It seems like June of this year has been filled with
downs. Most of the drives are valley drives in low, I am wondering how long this
will last.
Last June I wrote: "I am not sure how many more days I
have with my bride. I know I probably have months, but as fast as this disease
is moving, it scares me to think how quickly she could go. We held hands on the
patio until she got too cold. We came in and watched TV together. I held her
close and listened to her heartbeat."
I love you sweet ladybug.
Love, Brian
https://sclcsucks.blogspot.com/2023/06/life-is-highway.html
.jpg)
I went through Thrall again yesterday and I thought of you
when I passed the old antique store. Years ago, you found a place to junk in
Taylor. You told me about going “junkin” at a store in Taylor and I thought for
sure you meant you were vintage shopping at an antique store. You took me to Don’s
Treasures and boy was there a lot of junk. One day I almost fell through the
floor looking for an old door he had stacked in the back room. He had more junk
in those 3 store fronts than anyone could ever imagine. Some of the aisles were
cluttered with so much stuff you could not even make it to the end. There were
boxes and merchandise stacked from the floor all the way to the ceiling. Don had
glass display cases filled with what he thought was valuable. Small silver
trinkets and coins. In the end, I was surprised that he made enough money to
pay the rent.
You loved going there. Don had such a crush on you too. He was about 70 years old, and he would flirt with you. You ate it up. You never left his shop empty handed either, whether it was a silver tray you later painted for your sister or an old wooden tomato basket, you always found something to support Don. One day you came home sad and told me that Don was getting divorced, and his wife was leaving him. He was selling his store in Taylor and moving to Thrall. I remember you were so excited to show me his new shop he set up in Thrall. We couldn’t find the shop, but you were sure it was in this certain spot. The shop we were looking at was completely empty and it was clearly not a place to junk or antique. We later learned that Don had a heart attack and died. I saw a tear in your eye when you heard the news. He was more than a Junker to you, he was a friend. We found his house in downtown Taylor and saw they were having a yard sale. We were both sad thinking that Don would no longer greet us with a smile when we walked into his shop. Junking was never the same after that.
Hey babe, do you have a second?
I'm not here right now, just leave a message
Can you help me with this fence panel?
I'm not here right now, just leave a message
Do you want any veggies with that or do you want to just eat the chicken à la carte?
I'm not here right now, just leave a message
Did you see I washed the car?
I'm not here right now, just leave a message
I’m waiting for you to watch a show with me, I’m not watching TV without you, are you coming in here soon?
I'm not here right now, just leave a message
Here is my message, my sweet girl. I love and miss you. I am slowly making it without you. I am finding a new normal. Don’t worry, things will never be the same without you. You will always be in my heart. Things now will just be different.
Forever yours - Still
Love, Brian
When I got up to use the bathroom last night, I miscalculated the door and almost ran into the gun cabinet. It reminded me of a Michelle story.
It was about 2am one morning and I got up to use the bathroom. I was so tired I could barely stand up. I crawled out of bed left foot first, then the right foot. Unsteady, I started my long 5 ½ foot journey to the bathroom. The first noise Chele heard was a loud squeal. I think this woke her up. I bumped into the doorway, missing my turn by mere inches. I heard her take a breath in, but she didn’t say anything, at least I don’t remember her saying anything. I was extremely tired.
I backed up and took another shot at it and almost cracked my head open on the gun cabinet on the other side of the doorway. You could hear the crack followed by a loud “Ouch”. I heard Chele chuckle this time. I finally collapsed onto the toilet, a loud thunk was heard as I hit the toilet seat. “Are you ok babe” she said from her knackered sleepiness. I mumbled something unrecognizable, I guess. I thought I said I was fine. Apparently, it sounded more like Russian.
I came back to bed and we both started to giggle. You know that kind of giggle that you start and you just can't stop?
Leave it to me to find a way to try knocking myself out in
the middle of the night. Come on’ man.
Emotions are a funny thing. One minute I can be just fine
and the next a flood comes rolling in. You are sitting there asking “do you
want to play Cribbage?” She always beat me at Rummy, and I had a chance with Cribbage,
and she knew it.
I can see you taking your hair down and playing with it. Your
fingers would roll slowly through the roots then you would pull out a few
strands.
I loved the smell of your hair after you would condition it.
So many memories. I love you.
You should be here babe.
Hi babe. Remember that Ash tree you talked me into buying,
it is so full now. I call it the “Harley” tree because that is where we laid
your dog down. The oak tree you bought is thriving up front as well. You sure
had a knack for picking out the right tree for the right place.
Why didn’t you tell me how invasive the purple bindweed was.
That dag gum thing twisted its way around the vine of the tomato plant in your
garden. It also took over the Bell pepper plant. There are no Zucchini because
of that stupid thing. I guess this is why you weeded that garden so much. It’s not
just me who misses you my love.
The dove mourned and I heard your song
The weed vined and choked the stalk
The night echoes with the cry of the bull frogs
The butterflies sense the sadness at the doorway as they gather
You are missed my Ladybug, you are definitely missed.
I was working in Dallas in 2011 and 2012. I had a contract
with Lockheed Martin that was on again off again until 2016. At this time, I
was traveling weekly to Dallas. I left Monday mornings at 6am and would return Thursday
evening around 7pm then work remotely on Fridays. I would listen to sports radio on my trip to and
from Dallas every week. It was hard to listen to the commentators and not
become a fan of the local team. I like baseball and I was not into dynasty
fantasy football yet. It was a slow sports period, and I became a fan of the Texas
Rangers. I started watching them on TV because they never showed the Twins on
local channels. I still followed the scores of the Twins but could not watch
the games. I considered myself a 2-way fan. I got to know player names on the
Texas Ranger’s team. I knew some stats just from listening to the radio shows.
I convinced Michelle to spend some time with me at my extended
stay hotel that I kept in Dallas. She came up in August of 2012 and spent a few
days with me. Instead of me driving home on Thursday night, we stayed for a Texas
Rangers vs Minnesota Twins game on August 23rd. It was a night game so
luckily it wasn’t too hot for a Texas August evening. I knew I was going to be
able to sit down and cheer on both teams equally, I remember bragging to
Michelle about how this would be easy. She just smiled, tilted her head and
showed me her cute dimple. She didn’t say much. Michelle wasn’t a baseball fan,
so she was really just there because I wanted her to come with me. Michelle was
so sweet and loving, sacrificing a hot Texas evening for her husband’s stupid
antics was a small price for her. How did I get so damn lucky?
As soon as the first pitch was thrown out, I started
cheering on the Twins and immediately hated the Rangers. I was very surprised
at how quickly my roots showed up. I truly thought I could just listen to some
sports radio for a couple of months and become a fan of a team then cheer them
against my childhood team? Fat chance.
I didn’t listen to much sports radio after that weekend.
Michelle and I listened to 80’s rock and Carrie Underwood on our way home Friday.
The things she did for love. That is a trip I will always remember. As for
Michelle, it is probably one she forgot as soon as we got home! I love you
honey, you’re the best.
Hi babe. The sun came up again today. It was a nice sunrise
too. Your roses are on their second bloom this year. The planter you hung
outside the picture window has nice flowers in it now. So much life reminding
me of you. So much of you here. So much Love.
People say I’ll feel you
People say I’ll hear you
People say I’ll see you
People say you are here
Who are these people?
I don’t ever “feel you” or “feel your presence.”
I don’t “Hear” you. I can imagine you saying something
sometimes, but this isn’t hearing you.
I see pictures of you, I see flowers that remind me of you.
I don’t see you though.
If you were here, spirit or otherwise, I wouldn’t be so lonely,
so I call bullshit.
Many things I do, say, or see, spark a memory. Maybe it
makes people feel better if this is what they see, hear or feel. Maybe I’m more
of a realist. I do love you sweet thang.
All these words because I was looking at the flowers in the
planter you hung outside the window and thought “She’d like those.”
Nobody knows until they’ve been there. You can say you understand.
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Losing your best friend, your soulmate,
your better half, your only half. It’s not just a thing, it is EVERYthing. My
grandma used to experience STUG which is the sudden temporary upsurge of grief
after my grandpa died 20 years before she did. I knew as a teenager why she was
crying. I thought it was sweet. I did not understand it. Now I understand it.
The love. The passion. The emotion. The friendship. The tenderness.
I cherished the love I had for Michelle, and I still do. I
am fortunate. Thank you, Grandma, for the lessons at such a young age.
I love you Michelle
Hi honey, I caught myself talking to you yesterday, then called myself crazy. It was an accident. I was eating some trash food from McDonalds. I had some fresh French fries. I remember how we both loved them so much. They had to be hot and fresh. These were, until a tear fell on them, that made them soggy. I asked you if you wanted some. I remember how you used to open the ketchup packet and put a little bit of ketchup on each individual fry. So much effort. The little things. Do you want my other burger too? I guess the fries were enough. I love you babydoll.
I miss having something to do.
I miss having someone to hang out with.
I find things to do all day, then the daylight starts to fade, and I wonder now what? How can I occupy my time alone in the dark?
I heard that watching TV is a nice thing to do but this will flood memories of you. I could listen to music, but the music I like, we liked. Tears are sure to fall. What then could I do, sit and think of you?
Solitaire is a game for one, not much fun and hardly won.
I’m up and walking around, then I sit and think of you.
Is it pain I feel when I think of you?
Pain is not something I describe you as, so no.
Emptiness.
A void.
No hurt, no pain.
You did not hurt me baby, not now, not ever.
I love you - Still.
My new normal has been trying to find a new normal. This is so strange, I never thought I would ever hear myself speak the words finding a new normal. I find myself trying to stay busy. I sprayed for weeds, and I thought, I wonder when she will notice. I put the 4-pound backpack on, do you think she smiled at me? This is the first time I’ve done that. I was spraying the rock walkway, she said, “that’s smart.” New normal they say. It’s been 3 months now. Is this healthy, writing my feelings about you almost daily? Should I try to forget? Could I forget? The hole is large. The void too big to imagine. Maybe if I was like them and believed I’d see you again somehow. Maybe if somehow, you were here in spirit. Somehow, I felt your presence. I would think that would be a disorder of some sort, but that’s me. I love you forever babe and will forever be empty. I wish I could believe something different, but reality is, I have what I had and now it is just in my memory. I’ll stop writing one day, but I will never stop thinking of you constantly. I love you Ladybug.
I remember the little things that you would say that made me smile. Before we moved out to the ranch, I never knew you called barbed wire, bob wire. I can hear you talking to your mom on the phone as if it were today.
“Dad fixed the bob wire fence by the culvert. Tilly was getting out there. It was froggy this morning, so he wanted to get it done before it got too hot.”
You didn’t know how cute you were. Even others would comment how cute the sayings you would say were. I never understood why you called me “dad” but it didn’t bother me, it was you.
I love you Michelle.
Some say that the loss will fade, and I will find a new normal.
Is my new normal loneliness without you?
The sunsets, I see you in it.
The sun rises, I see you in it.
The fog rolls in, I hear you say it’s froggy out.
You’re on the patio until it gets too hot.
You’re in the garden until you get too sore.
You are here, you are there, you are everywhere.
PS: I saw you in my dreams last night. Behind that glass room. Thank you for the smile
Greed is a funny thing. How does death bring out the worst in others? If I have something on my wall, should I take it down and give it away because someone wants it? Should I take things off a table and give them a table that barely stands, because it might remind them of you? Now I have no place to put the printer, or the computers. This makes no sense to me. Someone actually asked, “what is he doing with the car?” Um, driving it. Why is life insurance so important. Get rich quick off someone’s death. I am so disappointed in those so immature.
Let’s do dinner, I’m lonely and emotionally wore out.
Crickets are heard. No surprises. I will take his land and turn it into my own
community profit. Who said anything about giving away land? They aren’t even
present in my life. Through the toughest moments of my grief. My tears I shed daily.
Were you there for an FFT? Do you know what an FFT is? Did you see me cry
today? I mowed and missed hearing “I’m surprised at how nice it looks babe” Did
you wake up alone and lonely? Was someone there for you? How is your grief
going? Has it turned to anger toward me because you don’t understand my grief
and don’t care to try?
Take this crumb now boys and be gone - fly away
Why do I get so snappy babe? Is it because I miss you?
I have a list of “Brian” triggers, I’m told by friends.
No hugs, don’t ask how he is doing, don’t ask him if he
needs anything, don’t give him space, give him space. Don’t park there, clean
up your trash, chew with your mouth shut, no food in the trash, just let him clean
up.
I guess you grounded me my love. I have nothing but time
now, time spent in grief and finding small things that irritate me. I need your
smile, your voice. I need to care for you and you for me. There are so many who
praise how I took care of you during our cancer journey. Do they know that you
too were taking care of me? Now you aren’t. I didn’t have these feelings when
you were here. These triggers, well mostly, weren’t here. A void.
I love you Michelle Anne Luck. You were truly one of a kind.
I was fortunate to have you for the short period of time I did. Just 1/3 of
your life.
Always,
Brian
Many of my thoughts have been consumed by Michelle. Another night in an empty bed. She wasn’t waiting up for me when I came home. “How was it babe?” “Did it help you?” She was never comfortable around strangers and could never be in an open environment sharing a loss with others.
I want to sit next to you and tell you all about it. Can I kiss
your forehead? Let’s hold hands. Can you hear the music? Let’s dance. She looks
up to me and smiles. No, I can’t hear anything. I sway and rock her, holding
her close. I let her go but keep her hand in mine. I force a quick spin then
bring her back to me. Listen closely, they are playing our song. Just lay your head
on my shoulder and we will dance the night away.
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do,
I'm half crazy,
All for the love of you.
“You are late” the Costco receipt checker joked. “You better get those daisies to her.” A slight chuckle as I walk away and then there were alligator tears. Hell yea I’m late. If he only knew. If I could just take one of these soon to be blooming daisies and set it on the ground near you Michelle. Just to get the chance to watch, you smile at me. Watch you tilt your head at me and say “Aww, Howney!” To watch you pick it up and bring it to your face to smell it. “It stanks perty”. Her sense of humor became mine as the years passed.
I would want more, but that would be enough. Damn Freddie is in my throat again. Here's to you, Costco greeter man. Real American Hero.
Happy Mother’s Day Michelle. Today was always a day to make my soulmate feel like a special mom. A day where the focus was you Babydoll.
Michelle loved Mother’s Day. As the years passed, Chele
became more transparent with her feelings and how special time about her was. She
loved Mother’s Day and Birthdays. She loved to be celebrated. She was proud of
the woman she had become. Strong, vibrant and influential. I told her in the
cancer journey that she was inspiring to many. That she was a strong woman who
takes each day on in a graceful loving way that inspires others to love and
live like her. She would smile and tell me she did not understand that. That
was so ~her. Her daily encouragement to deal with cancer with an attitude of “I’ve
got you; you don’t have me” was motivational to experience and made me believe
she would live forever.
I miss you Ladybug. Thank you for your insight to how best
to deal with adversity. Your legacy will live on forever and you will continue
to inspire those who remember your many life journeys, through the strengths
and shortcomings.
I went to Walmart to get mason jars for the honey. I parked in a lot across the street from Walmart and walked over to get more steps. I started thinking about my sweet love as I was walking. Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I was thinking, which jars should I buy for our honey, should I get cheese cloth to prevent the crystallization, would she have come with me. We often would go on these short adventures together. A quick trip to pick up mason jars for the honey then maybe buy some annuals for the shepherd hooks. Freddie (the frog) jumped into my throat. My next thought was to buy some straws, then I could try sucking it up! Ba dum tss. I smiled and let out an audible chuckle. She would’ve liked that one.
I dreamt about Michelle. It was another recurring dream. I seem to have a lot of them lately. Adults who experience frequent recurring dreams tend to have worse psychological health than those who do not, and many experts theorize that these dreams may be a way to work through unmet needs or process trauma. My recurring dreams are not always about Michelle, but I have them frequently.
Michelle and I were shopping for swimsuits. We found one that was as beautiful as the sunset after a hot stormy Texas day. The colors were vivid and vibrant. It looked a lot like the one she already had but was much more memorable. It was a bigger size than she needed, and she was complaining about how it wouldn't look good on her because it would be too baggy and not fit right. I was trying to tell her how cute it was and how absolutely gorgeous she would look in it.
Chele just rolled her blue eyes and told me that she probably would not be getting in the hot tub anytime soon so she would not be wearing it. I tried convincing her otherwise. We talked about how much fun it was to get in the hot tub when it was hot outside.
Then I woke up. -Womp womp
It was a nice dream. I wish I could have more of those. Recurring or not. Screw the expert's theories.
I looked up once while I was mowing. It was past sunset and almost dark. I was hoping to see the lights flicker on and off. I remember one time how frustrated you were at me when I was mowing this late. You wanted me in the house not outside. I remember understanding your frustration but thinking “5 more minutes”. Now I wish I had those 5 minutes back. Flicker the lights for me baby. Tell me to come in the house and stop mowing. It’s dinner time. It’s time for our shows. It’s time to dance and sing. It’s time to hold hands. It’s time to look into each other’s eyes and get lost. Flicker the lights for me baby. I will jump off the mower and run to you. I will leave it running and run to you. Flicker the lights just once, so I know you care.
Hey there Chele. Someone I thought was close to us took me the wrong way and has now disowned us. It’s funny how one incident can create so much hatred in those who call themselves Christians. I know you would be sad about this one. I meant no harm. I meant to protect you and in turn I was left alone – again.
No questions, just silence. No love. Emptiness. They do not know how I feel, and it is obvious they do not care. I wish you were here to comfort me. Hold me. Tell me I had good intentions. How I will forever miss you. I sit now alone, all alone. I get a 30-minute phone call a few times a week from friends and maybe a family member or 2. I heard from more people when you were alive. I guess that’s because people cared about you, not me. I get that. I cared more about you too. I learned this is something called unrequited love. I had unrequited love for you. You inspire me still, keep me learning and striving to be a better man.
I miss my Ladybug. I wish you were here with me now. Holding me, telling me it was going to be ok.
I really miss Michelle in the morning.
I miss waking up next to her.
I miss her walking out from the bedroom and greeting me.
She would tell me good morning and I would get a kiss.
I think how many missed hugs I could have gotten. Can I cash in on one now?
“What do you want for breakfast”
She took care of me. She was my comfort.
She had a spice mix she would make for her breakfast sausage. She would mix it together and make me a breakfast taco.
Rarely would I make my first cup of coffee. She was always there to hand it to me. On the spot and there for me with a smile.
I never felt like she felt burdened or obligated. If anything, I felt guilty. I often offered to make breakfast, but she refused.
She did like it when I offered to make dinner though. Dinner was always a bigger task. My thoughts are on you now, today and always.
I love you to infinity – Mucho Grande babe
I think about you always Chele.
Your smile
Your cute dimple
I miss our evenings watching TV on the couch
Talking at the kitchen table
I miss listening to you and being here with you
Your spirit is with me always my love
People have been asking me what my weekend plans are.
I have none.
I would love to say I have some plans to spend them with you Chele.
Maybe a trip to the beach.
A walk on the shore picking up shells.
We could watch the sunset or maybe the sunrise.
I miss having you here with me.
I am empty without you.
I am learning to be empty now, something I don’t want to learn but I am being forced to learn.
One day the void will be filled. I will always miss you though but living with this void will break me.
I will fill it somehow.
I love you sweet girl.
Always.
I miss having my sweet love here to tell me she wasn’t a fan of my salmon. I smiled when I got halfway into my piece of salmon tonight, and it was still cold in the middle. I pictured Chele's beautiful blue eyes look away as she smiled and say, “The fries were good.” I may have asked how the salmon was and she would say, “Uh, not a fan.”
She was blunt and knew I could handle the truth. Tonight I said to myself with swollen red eyes,
“Not a fan babe.”
I miss you so much. I think of you just about every time I do, say or see anything.
The sprinklers are watering your vegetable garden right now. I’m thinking, you set them up like that.
The wildflowers are dying, you are telling me it’s ok to mow them.
You are on the patio drinking coffee listening to the birds sing in the morning.
You're making me eggs.
You are wondering what project you will do next.
I feel you here but you’re not.
It’s do hard for me to grasp that never again will I have you in my arms.
I embrace memories now.
I am still IN love with you babydoll.
Sleep well.
I could not take my thoughts off of Michelle all day. I am trying to think of things to write that aren’t depressing. It has been 2 months since I last felt her breath and it feels like yesterday yet seems like forever. I continue to take care of postmortem paperwork. I see her name and when I do I light up. Chele was my everything. I miss her so. My sweet smiling caring babydoll.
I keep hearing the word “Funeral” when people talk about the
celebration of life. Such and ending, not what I wanted, I wanted her legacy to
live on. I will learn that everyone, including me, have words and a way to make
them feel better. This isn’t always the same for everyone. I hate thinking that
Chele had a funeral. It seems so final. She would have hated it too.
I think about you Chele, every moment of every day. I think of how
you must have bit your lip or closed an eye to a comment of mine. Maybe once
you didn’t like the way I was acting but didn’t like confrontation. Is this why
we got along so well. Why am I second guessing our love. Why do I wonder if you
struggled to love me. Is it because your mom does. Is it because my sister
questions my likes for your mother instead of the other way around. Is it because
I am broken. Is it because time away from you gives my brain time to question why someone would ever love me the way you did? You were my glue. Now that you are gone family doesn’t call. Is it me? How
did you put up with me. Am I feeling sorry for myself? I will go on. There is
only half of me going on, but I will go on. I’m sad now, lonely. I need people more than ever and
they have disappeared. You too have disappeared. Maybe not in memory but in the flesh you have.
Why?
It’s been 2 months and 2 days, 62 total days since I last felt your breath.
This is when I last saw your eyes on me, loving me.
I miss you so much honey.
I want you here with me now.
I want to redo our time together.
I want to make our last days better.
I want to love you more than you have ever been loved.
I have no regrets I just want you here with me. I love you.
I had some breakdowns today. I had alligator tears today. Oh, how I miss you sweet Michelle. Not an hour goes by that something happens and your memory floods my brain. I think of how the roads flood, how the pasture turns into a lake. These are my feelings for you. Flooded, engulfed and totally present. Hard to miss the fact that when you look out your window, it’s raining, there is water gushing over the road into the pasture and you can’t tell there is grass anymore because it looks like a lake. This is how I would describe my feelings for you. A flood, rushing into my head. I don’t want them to dry up. I love our love. I miss our love. I hate that you are gone but I am so grateful I had you for 23 some odd years. You were my protector, my rock my better half. You are the one and only true love. I love you Ladybug. You are my flood, my rain, my sunshine and my rainbow. You are my everything.
