Yesterday and Forever

 Hi Ladybug

What a whirlwind of a holiday season. It is still so strange without you. I am feeling a lot of emotion right now—grief has a way of making time feel both fast and painfully slow.  It seems you have been gone for a long time yet just yesterday when you shut your eyes next to me. Isn't it strange how this kind of encapsulates the  duality of loss?

It feels like years since you slipped away,
Yet yesterday, your breath was near—
A whisper soft against my skin,
A heartbeat I could almost hear.

The seasons turned, the lights grew dim,
But shadows still recall your face.
I reach for you in empty rooms,
And find the silence in your place.

Time twists like a thread,
It stretches wide, then snaps instead.
I wander through the now and then,
A shadow chasing what has been.

If love could span this endless night,
I’d cross the stars to hold you tight.
But here I stand, with empty hands,
Learning the weight that grief commands

I love you,

Brian

A tree from the past

Today is the day Chele and I would ALWAYS get our live and freshly cut Christmas tree.

Here is a story from the last time I went to the tree farm. I am not sure I will go again. Today I was all up in my emotions, so it was not right for me today.

Friday, November 24th 2023

I fed Chele some lunch then laid her down for a nap. I went to the tree farm to get a tree. My thought was to get out there, find a tree and get back as soon as possible. I took the backroads into Elgin, so traffic was light. I got to the tree farm without incident. 

I jumped on the hayride, the very slow hayride. On the melancholy ride my thoughts weren’t so slow. What about the saw you dummy. They should have one for you at the hayride stop, problem solved. I started looking at the other passengers and realized I forgot to check in. I did not get my tree tag. How can I get a tree without a tag? Impossible. My thoughts immediately shifted to jumping off the ride. This would cause attention and unneeded drama. Wait it out, I thought. JUMP! the inner child in me said. I listened to the more mature Brian and waited. I exited as soon as I could and used a speed walk to walk the 5-mile trek. An over exaggeration possibly but it was at the farthest reaches of the tree farm they brought us this year. 

On my involuntary Black Friday 5k race back to the starting line, I realized I forgot my phone in the truck. What a perfect day this has turned out to be. I speed walk right past the starting point and head over to my truck, parked at the farthest reaches of the lot due to the size, and I grab my phone. I call Chele. She does not answer. Womp womp. Now I am worried sick. 

A bit of irritation has now set in. I just wasted a ton of time on the tree farm. I was alone this year. This used to be a time Chele and I would spend together. For the past 20 years we have gone out and cut a tree down for Christmas together. For the first time ever, I go alone. Of course, it would be a nightmare. I was finally able to get a hold of Chele, she was sleeping. All was fine there. I should have used a camera, then I could have checked on her.

Now back to the starting point. I got a tree tag, no hayride this time. I see there is an open field with trees not far away from where I got my tree tag. I head out and find a tree within 2 minutes. It takes me a few tries to get it cut down, but I get it done eventually. I drag it back to the processing area with ease. Just my luck a tractor full of happy tree choppers shows up at the exact same time I do. Nobody has been there for the past 20 minutes but as soon as I get my tree cut and ready for processing, this tractor shows up. In with the mix, it goes. 

I waited for my ticket to be called then I got to pay for my tree. I have a prepaid card I wanted to use. It expired at the end of November. If I didn’t use it, I’d lose $41. My first try at it was a failure. It was declined. I quickly realized that I did not activate it. I stepped aside to activate the card. I scraped the numbers off the activation sticker, so I needed to call the 800 number to activate it. After successful activation, I waited in line again. The cashier tried my card again and once again it failed. She claims it is her register and I should attempt to use the register at the gift shop. I mosey over to the gift shop and wait in line there, then get called to another booth where I wait in another line. After waiting there, the cashier attempts my prepaid visa card, and it is declined. He said they have been having issues with Visa cards all day. I pulled out my USAA Visa and he grumbled something under his breath. I started thinking, oh my I don’t have anything other than Visa and I did not bring enough cash. Fortunately, the card worked. 

Now it was time to get my tree. I bring the paid receipt to the pickup area and show it to the workers. They run off to find my tree and I step aside. Several trees are brought forward for other customers but mine is not. Another worker asks me if I have been helped yet and asks for my number, they run off into the abyss. I never saw them again. A 3rd worker comes over and asks if they can see my ticket and they run off. I never saw them again. I started to see a pattern. 

A shorter lady with a 2-way radio came over and asked me for my ticket number. I recognized her from earlier. It was 3pm and she mentioned to a colleague of hers that she was on the wrong channel of her 2-way radio all day. She must be on her game I thought. Now she oversaw finding the lost tree, lucky me. She asked me 3 times what my number was. I’ll give her this though, unlike the other workers she did come back. She ended up getting some man involved who was bound and determined to give me a tree, any tree. “I have 2 trees without a tag, can I show you them? Could you identify the cut you made on the stump?” This is a comedy of errors. Identify the cut on the trunk of a tree? Now we are getting all CSI at the tree farm. “Sure” I tell him, "I’ll give it a shot." He brings a tree over to me and says "look here, this one is 6 ½ feet, just like the one you cut. The trunk has a knot at the end, do you recognize that?" I can’t help but to chuckle. Recognize a knot on the trunk of a tree? Are you serious right now? “No sir I do not, but sure, I’ll take the tree. I really need to get home to my wife. You see, she has …” just as I was saying that he discovers a tree tag in the tree, thank heavens he shouts. - It’s not mine. Back to the drawing board we go. Frantically looking again. Now we have the 3 disappearing workers, 2-way radio expert lady and the CSI evidence technician all trying to find my tree. 2-way radio expert looks over at me and says, “It’s been crazy like this all day”. Wow, if it has been this crazy all day, they need a new business plan. The CSI evidence technician comes over and says he has a tree that has been there all day and has yet to be claimed, would I like it? He offered me a Douglas fir, but I didn’t want one of those. In hindsight I should have taken one of those. After about an hour of these shenanigans I finally agreed to take the mystery tree home.

Still

 I feel you with me every day. You are here and present. I wonder why this happened to me. Where would I be if you were still here.

I am alone all day. I think of you when I am building our fence. I thought yesterday, I wonder if that was a link that Michelle put on. I am tearing all of the old fencing down. I decided to leave some in place. Nobody will see it or question it. I will know why it is there.

I miss knowing you are here. I knew love like nobody knew it. What we had was rare. I will always love you ladybug.

 

Happy Anniversary

 When I said I missed you I meant:

The connection and bond we had

The longing never ends

My heart aches without you

Part of me will always be missing

You made me smile and laugh

My light and rock

It seems like yesterday we were together but forever since you’ve been here

Time passes differently now

Life is empty

I love you

 

Happy Anniversary Ladybug

Hope, Renewal, Freedom and Release

 Butterflies are symbols of transformation and hope. There is comfort in seeing and the enduring spirit of Michelle when I see a butterfly. It is possible that the metamorphosis from caterpillar to butterfly could be the journey of a sweet soul from her life here on earth to a spiritual realm. I hear a whisper of love from her when I see a butterfly. Could this be a way to show me that life and love continue even after her death? 

You amaze me Michelle Ann and I love you – Always

In the eye of the beholder

There is beauty in everything. A random stop to take a picture of the changing leaves, led me to you. Standing tall in the asphalt, growing where most things cannot. I saw your beauty. You looked like a miniature Saguaro Cactus. With the backdrop of the fall senescence, somehow you stood out.

Perfect as always, stopping me in my tracks. A remembrance of our love that will never die. Thanks for your gentle nudge. I see you Michelle and I will always love you.

I feel your absence

 Hi Ladybug

I am missing you. I think you would have loved Montana. The scenery was beautiful and the skies so big. I remember watching “Big Sky” with you and thought of that so many times while I was there.

I feel like I have “withdrawal symptom” with you my sweet Babydoll. I was so used to you ALWAYS being with me and now that is no longer true. This longing and loss will never go away, no matter what I am doing or where I go, you will always be with me.

Fred Rogers said 

“Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” 

My love, here and now, will always be with you. There was never a need to work at our friendship and love, it just was. I miss that. I miss knowing that what I said and did would not be criticized. Sarcasm was never a thought. We loved. I really wish I didn’t have to use the past tense.

My Ladybug! Oh how I miss my sweet butterfly.

I love you Michelle Ann Luck

-Brian

I saw you last night

 I saw you last night. You were so cute telling me about Stephan and how he had a lot going on. You’re love for him is undying, literally. I just smiled as I saw you beaming with pride.

“We will be well represented at the wedding in Minnesota”, I said.

I wish there was a wedding. I wish it was being well represented. I wish you were here.

I miss you. I wanted to talk to you more but when I realized I was dreaming, I woke up. I wanted to hug you.

You’re my best friend

You made me laugh when I was falling apart

You understood my silence

There were fireworks and grand gestures

The inside jokes and late-night talks

I was safe in your presence

I was raw and unfiltered with no fear

I held your hand until your last breath

We never ran out of things to say

Best friends forever

I miss you ladybug

I love you Chele

That time

Remember that time when you understood me

That time you loved me unconditionally

That time I said something dumb and you didn't misinterpret it

That time when you laughed at a joke you heard a thousand times

That time you chose not to roll your eyes and kissed me instead

That time you made me feel special

That time I didn't need to explain myself because you understood

That time you comforted me when I was sad

That time, no matter what I said, you were there for me

That time we held hands and talked 'til dawn

That time you finished my sentence and I finished yours

That time when nothing mattered but us

That time when things were normal

That time when family loved us

That time things were remembered

That time my heart unbent

That time will never be again ...

Missing you

I am missing you today

I knew you loved me for who I was, not critical and rarely sarcastic

When you were with me, you knew others might have heard something for the first time that you had heard a thousand times

You acted like it was still funny

I miss feeling your unconditional love

I miss you wanting to touch me

I miss you liking me

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball, they aren’t always a strike

You kissed me, you loved me, you held me

I want it back, all of it

It’s not fair, but it seems it doesn’t really matter

I have an ache

Where you should be

No Waze

Where is my raft? I feel alone in an ocean without a map or destination

The GPS is in constant redirect mode

Recalculating

I’ve had a change in direction due to a mistaken or unexpected turn

My familiar became strange

Recalculating

Congestion caused rerouting

My strange became familiar

Are you listening or am I speaking adrift?

Recalculating

Significant change detected, detour, road closed ahead

Commonplace is unusual and unfamiliar

Recalculating

The road is flooded ahead, do not proceed

What is artifice and what is real?

Recalculating

Am I speaking to the memories or listening to them?

I miss you Ladybug, no matter who or what enters my life, I will ALWAYS love you.

A love without end

The quiet of our home amplifies those feelings of longing for you my sweet love. I’m finding new hobbies to distract me and they add positive experiences. I’m hanging out with new friends too.

I visited family recently. Your presence was felt, and you were dearly missed by everyone. Gone but never forgotten my sweet ladybug.

As I move on, I keep you with me in my heart always. After you were gone my heart was broken. I have since opened a portion of my heart up. I will never let our love disappear from my heart. You will always be there, and I will never keep you hidden or stay quiet about the love we shared and the love I still share for you.

True love never dies.

Take me Back

I wish I could go back to when life was simple, to when I had no worries and wasn’t so lonely. Back when the things I was afraid of were horror movies and dark rooms at night. I didn't need to worry about when I might get out of my house or when I might see my friends in person again. I look back at the pictures and the smiles. I remember the holidays with my entire family, back before all my kids left without reason.  Back when I didn't know about how cruel this world is, back when I was happiest.

I am doing okay with my current state, I have friends that care, but I feel lonely and empty still. I miss just living with someone, having them here to talk to, say good morning without waiting to hear something back. I miss the kisses before brushing your teeth. Eating breakfast with someone you love.

I miss watching movies on DVD’s and when we played games not to be better and win, but to have fun. I miss those times, I really do, when life was so simple.

I miss being married and having a Mrs. Luck here to share my ups and downs. I miss a neck rub when there is pain. I miss a shoulder when there is sadness.

My aim is horrible but damn I miss you.

Honored

 Hi Ladybug

There will be times like yesterday for years I am sure. Seeing someone we knew that doesn't know you're gone. 

It was an honor to serve you. You were a gift given to me that I will always cherish. I was grateful to be chosen to take care of you until you were gone from me forever. Thank you for allowing this.

Maybe God was protecting you from the hurt of losing your mom. She is fading fast. I talked to her and let her know we miss her and love her.

Have a heavenly Christmas babydoll. 

I love you

Brian

Bah humbug

The stocking weren't hung anywhere

Christmas doesn't matter anymore.

The house is empty now, no tree, no decorations

I'm fine with that.

I miss you

This just plain sucks

Ladybug ladybug where are you

I miss you so much

What’s wrong with me, with you things were easy now it is complicated

Did I say something wrong, did I treat them right, am I needy

Say this, don’t say that

Now you see me now you don’t

Time is the word I hear

How does time fix you being dead

This sucks

I love you. 

Man did we have it good, I was one lucky man

Happy Anniversary Lady Bug

The day has come and passed, I dreaded would last and last

22 years is not that long, that is, unless you’re gone

I wanted to spend the day with you, love, laugh, just be us

It wasn’t bad spending it with friends, trying to adjust

Your memory and image rarely left me and the hours passed

Tears filled my eyes a time or two, why are you so quiet, I was asked

You loved family game night, it was a favorite

So, I honored you as we played, laughed and joked – I knew your spirit was here with me

 I felt the support of family and for that I am grateful, the text and polos filled me with joy

The longest year is almost over. I thought October would be a tough one, but it was mild.

Thanksgiving and Christmas will sure to be empty. Support from my family and friends will lessen the void that will never be filled

Mucho Grande is how much I love you, "bunches and bunches" I hear you reply softly

Happy Anniversary Michelle my love, I hope it was a great day in heaven for you –

I miss you

Love, Brian

A love without end

Let me tell you a secret about my babydoll’s love

When I became her husband in the fall of 2k2 there was no doubt we spend our lives together as just one.

She loved me when I didn’t know I needed love.

She accepted when I didn’t know I needed acceptance.

She helped me when I didn’t know I needed help.

She held me when I didn’t know I needed to be held.

She touched my shoulder when she knew I needed to feel her touch.

She giggled when I needed a laugh.

She was present when I needed her to be present.

She gave me her all when I didn’t know I needed everything.

She loved.

She’s gone.

Now I need it.

I need comfort now, but that is not possible.

I need her to tell me it’s going to be ok.

I need her smile.

She never knew how much I loved her.

I never knew how much I’d miss her.

You truly don’t know what you have until it is gone.

I’m broken. Moving on is my only choice.

I’m crying and it doesn’t help.

I would say this isn’t fair and many would argue that life is not a carnival.

I move on, dredging more days than not.

I love you - Brian

Wrapped up in the heart

I miss you

You’re in my heart

I am not without you

What I do is done with you

Wherever I go it is with you

Whoever I see I see with you

Whenever I am sad, I am sad with you

Whenever I am happy, I am happy with you

How ever I act you are with me

Why question it when we are together, wrapped up inside my heart

Lonely

If I had a box for wishes, mine would be empty except for one day with you.

To hear you laugh again would be a treasure, just the joy and memory of you.

Lonely rivers flow and days go by, moments pass, I long for a touch from you.

It’s like a dream now that your gone, I stay awake dreaming though, longing for you.

You left me breathless when I looked into your eyes, I was so happy then, happy to have you.

I miss you more some days than others, I want to spend one more day with you

.

Memama

I left the water running.

I could tell you but you’re not here.

My failure was yours too, with nobody to share, like you my dear.

I left the water running.

You knew my dad jokes and loved the quirks.

My annoying imperfections you considered your perks.

I left the water running.

I cried at the movie you handled it smoothly.

I left the water running.

The rain will come to fill the rain tank again.

But you, the leader of my tribe will not, to my chagrin.

I left the water running and the tank is now dry, 

don't look now you might see me cry

Drifting

A bronco made from driftwood stirred my emotions today. The love of art was something we did not see the same way.

The perfect storm by Val Walden was too expensive you said, not long after it hung above the door overhead.

Now this osprey made from driftwood, buy it she’d say, it looks so good.

My tears soon dry as I missed her more now than ever. Why did you leave me alone I continue to endeavor.

You should be here. I don’t want to miss you today. Were we brought together to be broken, because broken is where I will stay.

I don’t want them to see me like this because I am not sure that they would understand. Unless they’ve experience this first hand.

Something New

We were supposed together grow grey and old. 

Each wrinkle we show, patio story gold.

A million stories kept and told.

But now I see new wrinkles and stories untold. 

I could sit with another and find a new hand to hold.

This, today, might fit the mold.

Your hand it can never be, your hand somehow I must set free.

Remember this my sweet Ladybug, Michelle, this new hand you see 

Will never hold the love I have for thee.

What do you think?

I have written so many notes to you and today I wondered, if you could write one to me, what would it say? Would you tell me you love me? You’ve had enough of my antics. It’s time to move on. I think I am only viewing this from my perspective - which is very self-focused.

Now that Michelle is gone, I cannot ask her “How do you feel?” Is this a fantasy or is it reality. We lived, we loved and now it is a memory. How to think of me would thee? Then and now.

I saw this picture today. Your smile, it was infectious. Christmas eve it was. You were happy. I cried. Nose running cry. I miss you so much. Keep looking out.

5 - more - minutes.

I'm an expert, of course

I needed a culvert. I hated the ditch in my front yard, and I wanted to get a culvert to match the one under the driveway. This was no small project. Installing a 30-inch culvert the 40-foot span of my yard was definitely going to need a backhoe. I ordered the culvert and paid them almost a full military paycheck for it. I set up the rental for the backhoe and found it was much cheaper to rent it for a long 4-day weekend. 

I remember the rental place asking me if I knew how to use a backhoe. Those of you who know me, know what my answer was. I was an expert at it. I knew exactly what I was doing, I just needed a slight refresher, and it would be like riding a bike. After bringing it home, it took me about 4 hours on the machine to figure out how the controls all worked and about the same amount of time to feel comfortable digging and using it. I eventually got my culvert installed and only had issues connecting it to the existing culvert under the driveway as it was not a perfect fit. Nothing a sledgehammer couldn’t fix!

I invited my new girlfriend, Michelle, down for the weekend to spend some quality time with me. She also helped me do some gardening and such. I already had the culvert installed but the backhoe sat there vacant. I was itching to get on it and “play.” I came up with a plan to raid some trees from the adjacent vacant lot.  A backhoe was probably not the best equipment to root a tree with, but it sure seemed like a great idea at the time. Michelle was skeptical but stayed quiet. I was the “new” guy, and she didn’t want to run me off with her opinions just yet. 

I found a few suitable trees and started digging. “This is going to be easy” I thought. The trees were coming out of the ground without any resistance. I was getting really good at working the backhoe and seemed to get the trees (weeds) out of the ground in no time at all. Michelle marked out the perfect spot in the yard for me to start digging the hole for the new tree. I drove the bucket into the ground and scooped out a large bucket full of dirt. Michelle was there to guide me as to where I should put the dirt. She pointed to her left and softly spoke, “Over there would be perfect” she said. I started to move the bucket to the left but to my surprise, and Michelle’s, the bucket jerked suddenly and quickly to the right. Michelle dove to the ground. I jumped off the machine knowing I just killed my new girlfriend. I expected to see blood everywhere. 

Michelle slowly looked up at me and smiled with her high cheeked dimple and said: “Where did you learn to work a backhoe? Maybe I should take over the controls for you.” Somehow, I did not hit her. Her quick reactions and a lot of pure luck saved me, and her. 

I don’t think we did much else after that. I covered the hole and parked the backhoe. I was thankful for my time with my new girlfriend, and ever so happy I narrowly escaped sure tragedy. 

A Different Perspective

I bought new shorts recently, a size 32. High school weight. I told the store associate that I dropped 4 pant sizes because I lost my wife. She mentioned something about a divorce, and I thought, “I wish.” It struck me suddenly, how horrible to say I "lost" her. I should never describe it as a loss. She isn't a set of keys. She isn't my favorite coat or hat when the first frost hits.

Michelle is living on in the memories we have made, so I have not lost her.

She never fought, lost, or succumbed to cancer. She never gave up. Those words make it sound like she didn’t try hard enough. Our 4–6-month prognosis was a glorious 16-month life journey.

She didn’t recently pass. She isn’t a car on the road. She isn’t a ticket to get in a theme park.

Remember this, she loved her family. She loved her grandchildren, all of them. She loved Christmas, the 4^th of July, and her birthday. These were times when she could see her boys’ joke around with each other and her grandchildren play. She loved life and lived.

She isn’t an angel looking down on us and she isn’t in a better place. If she was, I would be there with her. There would be no better place for her than right here with her family.

She lived, she died. Now we remember and love her.

Contradictory to my last post? Maybe, but maybe in line too.

The deal

The phone rings and I hear the sound of muffled tears. “Brian?” the light soft voice speaks. “Thank you.” The voice on the other end started to quaver as she stammered to get her words out. “We just signed a very high profile deal we have been working on for months and I have felt Michelle with me the entire time.” Hannah continued slight mewling as she described almost losing the deal a mere 2 weeks ago but feeling Michelle’s perseverance and presence hold true. “You were my first call, Brian” she cried. “Michelle was an amazing role model I will always look up to. Channeling my inner Michelle is a common occurrence. I loved her and miss her so much, she is still so present in my heart.” 

I was driving and needed to pull over to the nearest gas station. My tear-filled eyes made it difficult for me to see. I cried for several minutes in the parking lot before gathering my composure and continuing my drive. It was a tranquil drive back home to my empty house. Not sad, just a sense of absence and barrenness.

Congratulations Hannah on your accomplishment. Well done. We love you!

Brian and Michelle

Longing

I miss you today. I feel an emptiness. I long for the touch I will never feel. I long for the smile I will never see. I long for the voice I will never hear. I long for our love that will never fade.

I love you, Michelle Anne. I miss you so much. Today my longing is close to pain. Not from you, but from a loss. You would have and never will bring me pain. But for the first time since you left me, I feel actual pain.

Yours - Brian

Wish you were here

Today marks 5 months since you closed your eyes in my arms. I miss you more than ever. Time seems to stand still yet goes by so quickly. Opening night tonight for “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown.” I wish you could see me honey. You really would have liked it, I can hear your laugh and see your smile. You are with me though. Let’s do this.

I love you. Stephan says hi!

Love, Brian

Broken in Two

Michelle, my love, my soulmate, my true love. When you were diagnosed with cancer it broke us. We cried and vowed we would do everything we could to come out ahead in the end. Here I sit almost 2 years later, alone at our kitchen table that you stained and varnished, looking at the garden that you planted for the birds that I watch every day and I think “You are still here.” I think back to the time of diagnosis and think of how this time was a new time for us. A new life. I was lucky to live not 1 life but 2 lives with my soulmate. I was able to show my love for you by taking care of you. It started out by taking you to appointments and making you 3 meals a day. Life was almost normal except we both knew it wasn’t. Slowly time went on and things started to deteriorate. Eventually I was lifting you in and out of bed and to and from the toilet. The bedside commode was the only toilet we used because it was easier and more convenient. Our love continued to grow as your health faded. Soon you could no longer speak words to me. Your smile still lit the room when you entered but you could only say one or 2 words. I was the lucky one to hear them from your sweet lips. The days came when your bed was where you wanted to stay and getting up was not an option for you. I read Grimm’s fairy tales to you, and we held hands. Your smirk told me you were happy and relaxed. Then the morning came that my heart was broken. I saw you drift from me forever. This heart of mine that was so filled with our love for so many years now, was broken in two. I cry. I mourn. I lament my loss. Hours drag on. Time is standing still without you. 24 hours in a day but a day is an eternity without you. One day passes and I think, it’s been just one day? I have the rest of my life to live like this and it’s been just one day. The hours continue like this for days until the hours finally turn into days. I look back and think wow, 3 days ago she was here. On one hand it seems like it has been a very long time but on the other hand it seems like a few hours. Days turn into weeks eventually and I continue to mourn. It seems to not be getting any better. I am lonely and lost. I go to bed alone and wake up alone. There is nobody to cook for, so I don’t eat. Sleep is something that I get early in the night, 5 hours is normal.

Weeks soon are months, and I am finding a new normal. I think about my life with Michelle all the time, her memories surround me. My heart was once swollen, bursting with my love for my ladybug. When she was taken from me my swollen heart broke. When my heart broke, a new ventricle opened. Now, this empty ventricle, needs filling. 

I have questions for you Michelle, what do you think? You know me better than anyone in the world. You told my daughter that you thought I would need someone to take care of me. How long is too long and how short is too short? Who is in charge of the grieving calendar? Who tells us when to grieve and when not to grieve? 

There will never be another like you my sweet ladybug. You are one of a kind and nothing will ever replace you in my heart. I don’t want to replace you. I am not looking to have someone fill your role or fill your shoes, they are way too big and difficult to fill. Impossible if I must say.

I must though, move on. Find a new impossible. Find a new set of shoes. Open a new ventricle to my ever-beating heart. My love for you goes on forever babe. This love will never fade. Whether I can or cannot share it with someone, you will always be with me when I am with them.

I love you forever. Love, Brian 

True Love

A trigger hits and bam you are in tears. Possibly STUG, which is the sudden temporary upsurge of grief, possibly a random Instagram reel. There are many kinds of love, I was fortunate to have a unique love. One most will never see. I’ve read about it, seen it on movies, I don’t think I have ever seen anyone ever love the way Michelle and I did. This love truly does and will last forever, even if I am the only one living to experience it. My experience with our love is different now because it is a memory. I typed out “just a memory” but that showed no justice to my true heart. She is and always will be my everything. When I move on to another relationship, she will be part of that through me.

I used to introduce Michelle as my bride or my “better half.” Now that she is gone physically, we are whole. She completed me and has made me into the man I am.

I cried for 20 minutes last night before using my lifeline and “phoning a friend”. Plugged up nose and swollen eyes, I could barely breathe. I miss you, Michelle. No matter what happens and no matter how long it has been, my love will never change. I will always miss you and I will always be IN love with you.

Love you Mucho Grande Babe

Bunches!

Brian

Where the heck is it?

Oooga oooga

I remember Michelle saying this sometimes. She would look for something or struggle ever so slightly with something and then say ooga ooga. It was cute.

I was looking for my glasses this morning. I checked my head, not there, my chest, not there either. Not on the table - ooga ooga

Love, Brian

A cute shaved Bob

Michelle came to me one day in June of 2016. She was kind of uneasy and depressed. Michelle told me a story about her hair. She said that she would always change her hairstyle whenever she changed her relationship status. This status had not changed in over 16 years, and she was wanting to change her hairstyle. She was worried that if she changed her hair that something would happen with our relationship. A jinx was sure to happen if she cut her hair. After some coaxing and reassurance, she decided to go ahead with the change. She cut all of the length off the back. She shaved her head under her hairline. She was so excited because it was cooler for her. It was a really cute bob cut and it was very short. We both really liked it. I loved it for about 2 months until it started to grow back. It was either cut it again or let it grow back. It was at that transitional stage. She liked it for a lot less. It was probably a month before she was already missing her long hair and couldn’t wait for it to grow back. Lucky for her, her hair grew quickly.

 

Yin to my Yang

I've had some rough moments. 

I am really missing Michelle. It hits me and I get emotional. I get lonely and then wonder if it is loneliness or if it is sadness or what it is. 

I just miss my companion. My soulmate. 

I miss hearing BABE, or HI HOUNEY. 

I miss her craziness and her seriousness. I miss seeing her faces. I miss seeing her cry and watching her laugh. I miss her dimples. I loved watching her walk, talk, eat and play. She was fun to be around. She loved being alive. She loved life. I loved watching her take care of the hummingbirds. Fill the birdfeeders. I remember how mad she was when I took the bird nest down on the back patio. I would go out to mow, so she would work in the garden. 

Yin to my yang. 

She was the normal to my crazy. 

Everything I wasn’t. 

She completed me. 

What does that make me now? Half of what I was before? Of course, not. I think it makes me feel plum empty sometimes. Maybe not always anymore. Today though, a lot. Independence Day was special to Michelle. She liked it because it meant family. The last time we had all of the grandkids together with all of the kids was July 4^th, 2022. 108 days before she was diagnosed with stage IV small cell carcinoma. Brain cancer, spinal cancer, liver cancer, lung cancer. This rocked our world and split this family up. Now I am left with nobody, which I am ok with, except … I really miss my glue. I love you honey

Love, Brian

FFT yea you know me

Who the hell is supposed to get my damn splinters out?

Who thought about this?

Ok, now this shit ain't fair.

FFT AGAIN (Flippin' First Timer)

I am not sure if digging a hole into the palm of my hand is bringing the tear or if it is the FFT. The look on Chele's eyes below says it all!

- Ha

Dredging on

Hi Babe. 

It’s funny, life now. It used to be so mundane. I knew what to expect and I knew what my relationship status was. Now I sit and wonder about things. Will this change? Is it too soon to find new “friends”? Am I needy? Do I need to feel wanted? I can be alone. Do I want to be? With you it was easy, now it’s a challenge. I dredge on, watching the water fill in afterward, what should I do with this dredged material now? Leave it alone and save it for another day I suppose.  

That Smile

Your smile lit up a room. Strangers would approach you because you just felt welcoming. Those who knew you know that you didn’t like crowds and didn’t like being away from home. Those who didn’t know you saw a smile, bright welcoming eyes and open arms. What a gift you shared with all who were able to live in this world with you in it. Sweet Ladybug. I love you. 

Love, Brian

My Angel

You are my special angel sweet love. Happy birthday week - still

Love you, Brian

You are a Light

Today marked the day of your birth. An ordinary day to most, but to you it was special. You enjoyed being celebrated and loved. The joy you would fill people with every day of the year would come back this one day and fill your glass full. You would smile and get excited. All rules were out the window. Nothing was off limits for you. What you want is what you got. Pure joy.

There is darkness in death. We try to pretend there isn’t. We celebrate the life instead of having a funeral. We cremate the body instead of burying them and having a grave site memorial. Trying to bring light to a dark ending. You were the light in our lives.

Your memory is now the light. This light is on a lot for me. For some it isn’t and that’s ok. For some the light may be dimmer too. Last night I was looking at the Strawberry Moon and suddenly a tear came out of nowhere. It was beautiful. Talk about a flood light with one million lumens shining on me. Your light was reminding me that this Strawberry Moon was bringing joy to not only me, but millions of people around the world right now.

A little research told me that not only is this beautiful site, on the eve of Chele’s birthday, called the Strawberry Moon, it has a second name. The Honey Moon. The end of June traditionally marks the time for harvesting honey, leading to the “sweetest” moon of the year.

Coincidence? I think not. In darkness you bring light. You still amaze me my love. To say I’m inspired would be an understatement.

Thank you. Happy Birthday sweetheart.

Love, Brian

Because of you

Because of you, I am better, stronger, wiser, and more loving than would ever have been possible without you.

Thank you Michelle

Love, Brian

Human stringer

I carry the memories of all of our special times together in my heart. 

When I'm sad, I pick one and bring it to the front of my mind.

It made me smile when I thought about us building the wood bridge together. I put a string around the level and then tied it around my neck. I remember you chuckling about it then giving me a hard time about the level taking me under the water to my demise. You said you were worried about me strangling myself.

I looked dumb and I knew it. We both laughed. You also wondered why I didn't have the same safeguards for my DeWalt drill. Not too smart, we both laughed again.

2023

It is something that maybe I should not do, I have looked back on my journal to this day one year ago. 

You can see my struggles. It did not make the inevitable any easier.

6/15/23 – Thursday

I slept mediocrely. I was up and down with Michelle’s cough. She was uncomfortable all night unfortunately. I gave her a gummy when we went to bed and another around midnight. She was still uncomfortable. I think this radiation will take a while. Plus, this is not the only tumor causing issues. I do not want to tell her this either. I just want her to be as happy and as comfortable as possible. She was awake when I was awake this morning at 6am. She told Titan to stop licking. I was cuddling with her. I asked her if I was bothering her, she said no. I knew that she was awake because of her coughing. I just wish I could fix it all. I do not understand how this all happened to her. She is so perfect for me. I know nobody is perfect, but why is God taking her from me? Why is this all happening to me? Why am I being forced to be the strong one? Soon I will break down. This has been a trying time and I need to stay as tough and strong as I can for Michelle. She cannot see weakness in me, or she will mentally break. I have seen it. She started to cry, and I needed to build her back up. She is not the same woman physically anymore. She used to be so strong. Now she is frail. She walks leaned over and wabbly. She is uneasy on her feet. She will be in a wheelchair soon enough. Again, I ask why? How is this fair? I suppose one could argue we had 20 years. I could argue back that this was not long enough. I could go on, but I’ll stop.

If Today a Normal Day Were

Today I sit and wonder what we would do if you were here. 

What if this was a normal day and cancer never was, what would we do? 

How many times would I say, “I love you”? 

How many times would I kiss you? 

Would we hold hands or dance today? 

Would I make you laugh? 

I wonder if today a normal day were, what a day it would be. You made everyday the best day and I knew it. Never once did I take advantage of it. I was lucky to have you babe, so thank you for being part of me. I love you. 

Love, Brian

Where will you be in a year?

I was sad a year ago, but my sadness was different. I was thinking about the homeopathic meds I was giving Michelle and was still hopeful they were working. I wrote in a journal entry that I had "hope and a prayer." I also wondered where I was in June of 2022 and where were my priorities and how much had changed. Then I asked myself where I would be in June of 2024. I knew there would be a void, I just had no way of knowing how large. This was the week of the “Life is a Highway” update. I wish there were the ups from last year. It seems like June of this year has been filled with downs. Most of the drives are valley drives in low, I am wondering how long this will last.

Last June I wrote: "I am not sure how many more days I have with my bride. I know I probably have months, but as fast as this disease is moving, it scares me to think how quickly she could go. We held hands on the patio until she got too cold. We came in and watched TV together. I held her close and listened to her heartbeat."

I love you sweet ladybug.

Love, Brian

https://sclcsucks.blogspot.com/2023/06/life-is-highway.html

Junkin'

I went through Thrall again yesterday and I thought of you when I passed the old antique store. Years ago, you found a place to junk in Taylor. You told me about going “junkin” at a store in Taylor and I thought for sure you meant you were vintage shopping at an antique store. You took me to Don’s Treasures and boy was there a lot of junk. One day I almost fell through the floor looking for an old door he had stacked in the back room. He had more junk in those 3 store fronts than anyone could ever imagine. Some of the aisles were cluttered with so much stuff you could not even make it to the end. There were boxes and merchandise stacked from the floor all the way to the ceiling. Don had glass display cases filled with what he thought was valuable. Small silver trinkets and coins. In the end, I was surprised that he made enough money to pay the rent.

You loved going there. Don had such a crush on you too. He was about 70 years old, and he would flirt with you. You ate it up. You never left his shop empty handed either, whether it was a silver tray you later painted for your sister or an old wooden tomato basket, you always found something to support Don. One day you came home sad and told me that Don was getting divorced, and his wife was leaving him. He was selling his store in Taylor and moving to Thrall. I remember you were so excited to show me his new shop he set up in Thrall. We couldn’t find the shop, but you were sure it was in this certain spot. The shop we were looking at was completely empty and it was clearly not a place to junk or antique. We later learned that Don had a heart attack and died. I saw a tear in your eye when you heard the news. He was more than a Junker to you, he was a friend. We found his house in downtown Taylor and saw they were having a yard sale. We were both sad thinking that Don would no longer greet us with a smile when we walked into his shop. Junking was never the same after that.