Why?

I could not take my thoughts off of Michelle all day. I am trying to think of things to write that aren’t depressing. It has been 2 months since I last felt her breath and it feels like yesterday yet seems like forever. I continue to take care of postmortem paperwork. I see her name and when I do I light up. Chele was my everything. I miss her so. My sweet smiling caring babydoll.

I keep hearing the word “Funeral” when people talk about the celebration of life. Such and ending, not what I wanted, I wanted her legacy to live on. I will learn that everyone, including me, have words and a way to make them feel better. This isn’t always the same for everyone. I hate thinking that Chele had a funeral. It seems so final. She would have hated it too.

I think about you Chele, every moment of every day. I think of how you must have bit your lip or closed an eye to a comment of mine. Maybe once you didn’t like the way I was acting but didn’t like confrontation. Is this why we got along so well. Why am I second guessing our love. Why do I wonder if you struggled to love me. Is it because your mom does. Is it because my sister questions my likes for your mother instead of the other way around. Is it because I am broken. Is it because time away from you gives my brain time to question why someone would ever love me the way you did? You were my glue. Now that you are gone family doesn’t call. Is it me? How did you put up with me. Am I feeling sorry for myself? I will go on. There is only half of me going on, but I will go on. I’m sad now, lonely. I need people more than ever and they have disappeared. You too have disappeared. Maybe not in memory but in the flesh you have. 

Why?