2023

It is something that maybe I should not do, I have looked back on my journal to this day one year ago. 

You can see my struggles. It did not make the inevitable any easier.

6/15/23 – Thursday

I slept mediocrely. I was up and down with Michelle’s cough. She was uncomfortable all night unfortunately. I gave her a gummy when we went to bed and another around midnight. She was still uncomfortable. I think this radiation will take a while. Plus, this is not the only tumor causing issues. I do not want to tell her this either. I just want her to be as happy and as comfortable as possible. She was awake when I was awake this morning at 6am. She told Titan to stop licking. I was cuddling with her. I asked her if I was bothering her, she said no. I knew that she was awake because of her coughing. I just wish I could fix it all. I do not understand how this all happened to her. She is so perfect for me. I know nobody is perfect, but why is God taking her from me? Why is this all happening to me? Why am I being forced to be the strong one? Soon I will break down. This has been a trying time and I need to stay as tough and strong as I can for Michelle. She cannot see weakness in me, or she will mentally break. I have seen it. She started to cry, and I needed to build her back up. She is not the same woman physically anymore. She used to be so strong. Now she is frail. She walks leaned over and wabbly. She is uneasy on her feet. She will be in a wheelchair soon enough. Again, I ask why? How is this fair? I suppose one could argue we had 20 years. I could argue back that this was not long enough. I could go on, but I’ll stop.