One Touch

I watched the movie CODA on Apple TV with some friends. This was an FFT  (Flippin First Time) for me. I started crying 3 minutes into the movie. I was surprised at how difficult it was to watch a movie without my soulmate. I kept imagining Michelle's smile as I would glance over to her watching the movie. I liked watching her reaction at different scenes and to see if I could catch a tear in her eyes at sad parts.

After the cancer diagnosis we would sit next to each other and hold hands during movies. I would rub her head or lay on her lap. We were always touching and feeling each other’s body heat. Feeling the flow of blood pumping and the warmth of my sweet love’s touch was a perfect way to watch a movie. 

Tonight, I could not do this. I had to watch the movie without a touch. No lap to lay on. No warmth or blood flow. She’s gone Brian. A memory has no touch, it has no blood flow or warmth. They say it could warm your heart, but this is a thought not a feeling. I’ve written about our human senses before. Touch and feeling is one sense that I will never ever get again with Chele. 

Believe in what you want to. Believe that I will see her again. It will not be the same when I do. It will be different. Spirit, souls are not life. It might be better if you believe that way, nobody truly knows. It makes you feel better if you say you know. Do and say what makes you feel better. Just don’t push your agenda onto others. Don’t point at the sky and tell me that “The Big Guy” has a better plan. If you want to, or need to hear that, surround yourself with those who want to listen to that.

I cried multiple times during CODA. It seemed that whenever the female lead would sing her song I would cry. I think that songs are going to be tough for me. Every word she sang reminded me of Chele. I hate the frog in the throat feeling. I will need to learn to deal with all this drama. I will need to listen to music without crying one day.