Sleep Well

I miss having my sweet love here to tell me she wasn’t a fan of my salmon. I smiled when I got halfway into my piece of salmon tonight, and it was still cold in the middle. I pictured Chele's beautiful blue eyes  look away as she smiled and say, “The fries were good.” I may have asked how the salmon was and she would say, “Uh, not a fan.” 

She was blunt and knew I could handle the truth. Tonight I said to myself with swollen red eyes, 

“Not a fan babe.” 

I miss you so much. I think of you just about every time I do, say or see anything. 

The sprinklers are watering your vegetable garden right now. I’m thinking, you set them up like that. 

The wildflowers are dying, you are telling me it’s ok to mow them. 

You are on the patio drinking coffee listening to the birds sing in the morning. 

You're making me eggs. 

You are wondering what project you will do next. 

I feel you here but you’re not. 

It’s do hard for me to grasp that never again will I have you in my arms. 

I embrace memories now. 

I am still IN love with you babydoll. 

Sleep well.

Why?

I could not take my thoughts off of Michelle all day. I am trying to think of things to write that aren’t depressing. It has been 2 months since I last felt her breath and it feels like yesterday yet seems like forever. I continue to take care of postmortem paperwork. I see her name and when I do I light up. Chele was my everything. I miss her so. My sweet smiling caring babydoll.

I keep hearing the word “Funeral” when people talk about the celebration of life. Such and ending, not what I wanted, I wanted her legacy to live on. I will learn that everyone, including me, have words and a way to make them feel better. This isn’t always the same for everyone. I hate thinking that Chele had a funeral. It seems so final. She would have hated it too.

I think about you Chele, every moment of every day. I think of how you must have bit your lip or closed an eye to a comment of mine. Maybe once you didn’t like the way I was acting but didn’t like confrontation. Is this why we got along so well. Why am I second guessing our love. Why do I wonder if you struggled to love me. Is it because your mom does. Is it because my sister questions my likes for your mother instead of the other way around. Is it because I am broken. Is it because time away from you gives my brain time to question why someone would ever love me the way you did? You were my glue. Now that you are gone family doesn’t call. Is it me? How did you put up with me. Am I feeling sorry for myself? I will go on. There is only half of me going on, but I will go on. I’m sad now, lonely. I need people more than ever and they have disappeared. You too have disappeared. Maybe not in memory but in the flesh you have. 

Why?

It's Been

It’s been 2 months and 2 days, 62 total days since I last felt your breath. 

This is when I last saw your eyes on me, loving me. 

I miss you so much honey. 

I want you here with me now. 

I want to redo our time together. 

I want to make our last days better. 

I want to love you more than you have ever been loved. 

I have no regrets I just want you here with me. I love you.

Alligator Tears

 

I had some breakdowns today. I had alligator tears today. Oh, how I miss you sweet Michelle. Not an hour goes by that something happens and your memory floods my brain. I think of how the roads flood, how the pasture turns into a lake. These are my feelings for you. Flooded, engulfed and totally present. Hard to miss the fact that when you look out your window, it’s raining, there is water gushing over the road into the pasture and you can’t tell there is grass anymore because it looks like a lake. This is how I would describe my feelings for you. A flood, rushing into my head. I don’t want them to dry up. I love our love. I miss our love. I hate that you are gone but I am so grateful I had you for 23 some odd years. You were my protector, my rock my better half. You are the one and only true love. I love you Ladybug. You are my flood, my rain, my sunshine and my rainbow. You are my everything.

You should be here but you're not

Someone close enough to be my daughter, (a daughter figure) shared with me a man's journey of moving forward after losing his son. 

This man said it's like an amputee learning to live without an appendage. You adapt, you learn, you find that "new normal," but things are never the same. You learn to function differently. First I need to function.

I sure am missing my love. I was saying yesterday that I needed help moving my bees, but my helper wasn’t here anymore. She left me February 27 this year at 7:40am. Her big blue eyes looked at me as she slowly drifted away. She should be here you know. She should be here with me right now. I am too young to be alone. I was supposed to be with my soulmate for the rest of my life. Remembering you is not good enough for me. I still love you and I always will, but how my sweet love can I go on without your touch, your kiss, your laugh, your smile. Stuck in time. Like propolis made by bees.

You should be here Michelle, but you're not

 I made it through another day without you.

Another month.

And with everything good and bad that's come since,

I can't help but think about

how you were supposed to be here

for A L L of it

One Touch

I watched the movie CODA on Apple TV with some friends. This was an FFT  (Flippin First Time) for me. I started crying 3 minutes into the movie. I was surprised at how difficult it was to watch a movie without my soulmate. I kept imagining Michelle's smile as I would glance over to her watching the movie. I liked watching her reaction at different scenes and to see if I could catch a tear in her eyes at sad parts.

After the cancer diagnosis we would sit next to each other and hold hands during movies. I would rub her head or lay on her lap. We were always touching and feeling each other’s body heat. Feeling the flow of blood pumping and the warmth of my sweet love’s touch was a perfect way to watch a movie. 

Tonight, I could not do this. I had to watch the movie without a touch. No lap to lay on. No warmth or blood flow. She’s gone Brian. A memory has no touch, it has no blood flow or warmth. They say it could warm your heart, but this is a thought not a feeling. I’ve written about our human senses before. Touch and feeling is one sense that I will never ever get again with Chele. 

Believe in what you want to. Believe that I will see her again. It will not be the same when I do. It will be different. Spirit, souls are not life. It might be better if you believe that way, nobody truly knows. It makes you feel better if you say you know. Do and say what makes you feel better. Just don’t push your agenda onto others. Don’t point at the sky and tell me that “The Big Guy” has a better plan. If you want to, or need to hear that, surround yourself with those who want to listen to that.

I cried multiple times during CODA. It seemed that whenever the female lead would sing her song I would cry. I think that songs are going to be tough for me. Every word she sang reminded me of Chele. I hate the frog in the throat feeling. I will need to learn to deal with all this drama. I will need to listen to music without crying one day. 

My Advocate

I miss having my advocate. Chele was always sticking up for me. She was there for me when nobody else was. 

I see others now trying but it just isn’t the same. 

I so wish she could be here. 

I understand that it was her time to go from me. 

My time with her on this earth was done. Our journey was complete. 

Her legacy will live on. I will continue to live with her legacy in my heart. 

I will miss her always and constantly think of her. 

There is evil though. I think of how tainted some have made her legacy.  

One day the tainted may learn, or they may not. I don’t think it matters. 

What matters is the truth. Michelle was a great person with a wonderful heart. She was a loving woman. 

Those who did not see her in her final years lost out. It their loss. I love you Michelle. 

I will continue to live with you in my heart and live your legacy. 

I am sorry that some are trying to taint your legacy. You are and always will be my Ladybug

See You Again

Back in 2005, Chele and I had just settled into a new house in the woods in Round Rock. We enjoyed watching TV at night and especially liked watching reality TV like Survivor and American Idol. This is the year that Michelle became a huge Carrie Underwood fan. Carrie was a wholesome country girl that reminded her of herself. Carrie had a beautiful voice and was humble and kind. It brought me so much joy to watch Chele through the years, singing her songs as they were released. In April of 2013, I surprised her with tickets to a show. I’ve made her happy before, but I remember the joy in her heart that night as she sang each song loud and proud. I remember the awe in her eyes as Carrie’s stage lifted and moved over our heads. It was a memory she held onto forever. Carrie would have loved Chele. They would have been great friends. Chele would have been “Mama Luck” to her. It's been some long days without you, my sweet Chele. We all love you - still.

See You Again

It's been a long day without you, my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from where we began

Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

        -Carrie Underwood

Shout Out to my best friend

Here is a shout out to my girl Michelle.

I wish I could have my best friend here with me. Sometimes I need grounding, I need to be told to slow down. I need to be told to come in the house. Stop working. Sometimes I need help with things like relaxing or not stressing over how people might react. Do they like me, should I care. Is my house clean, should I care. Is my yard picked up enough, should I care. 

I need my honey to help ground me and tell me she loves me. I could go days now without anyone telling me they love me. This is ok, I guess. Not something I am used to though. This was commonplace for us. We would tell each other frequently that we loved each other. It meant something. They weren’t just words. I remember looking her in the eyes saying “I am IN love with you” for me those were different words. Loving someone and being in love with someone are different. I miss the smile she would give me. Her love she would show me. I miss my friend. It’s not fair that she is gone now, and I am all alone. It’s not fair that I am the one crying. Why is this so hard. Why did she have to go. I want to see those beautiful loving blue eyes longing to look at me again. I miss her loving me. I miss being loved. I miss hearing “I love you” or “I love you too”. How about “Hi Honey” or “Hey babe”. Ok I need to stop. If I was writing this on paper it would be all wet from my tears. I miss you so much Chele. Not pain, emptiness. Not loss, just not fair.

Lay your head on my Lap

I was missing Michelle a lot today. 

I thought about her when we went to Chuy’s. The last time I went there, she was with me. She loved Chuy’s. She had so much joy each time she ate there. She would brag to others about the food and how great it was. 

I wanted her with me so we could share our day together. 

Talk about the weather. 

Plan for our next adventure. 

Discuss our next upgrade at the house. 

See about stopping off at the nursery on the way home. 

So much to talk about, she’s not here for me to talk to. 

I want to hold her hand. 

Lay my head on her lap. 

Feel her hand stroke my face. 

I want to feel loved by her again. 

I know she loved me, but does she still. - How is that possible. It isn’t. 

I have what I had up until it was gone. 

I miss her so much. 

I wonder if anyone looks at me and sees the emptiness in my eyes. 

Can they feel the loss in my heart. 

More than likely not

I'll meet you on the patio

I miss my ladybug. 

I remember waking up several times last night hearing the dog breath thinking “I wish that was my babydoll” 

I knew it wasn’t you but I wanted it to be. 

I always wake up and her side is nice and neat, never messy. I never need to make her side of the bed. 

I will need to change the way I put the sheets on the bed, or the sheets will only wear on one side. 

I wish I could still be taking care of my true love. 

Holding her. Lifting her. Helping her eat, drink, walk, sit, talk. 

I love you sweet girl. I miss you, soulmate. 

I will meet you on the patio.

Back Porch Time

I ate some ice cream on the back porch. It was a nice evening. 

I was wishing Chele could have enjoyed it with me. She would have been cold toward the end but would have enjoyed looking out at the lake as the sun went down. 

Chele loved the back porch. She loved the sunsets. It made me sad. I cried a few times throughout the day. I don’t think it is fair, but I don’t have anyone to complain that to. Nobody who really wants to listen to it anyway. 

I was so lucky to have her for so long. Just not lucky enough to still have her. 

I miss her so much. She completes me still. 

When I do things, I still do them for her. 

When I say things, I think of her. 

When I walk, I think of her. 

When I talk, she comes to mind. I watch tv, listen to music, type on the computer, pet the dog, eat, sleep, dream – I think of her. 

She is so much a part of me. 

All I can do now is share things with her in my head. That sounds crazy, and probably is. I will keep it to myself. I love you Chele.

Slow motion rider

Time moves slow without Chele here. My life without her is so barren. I am constantly longing to fill it with something. Somehow fill it with a way to be happy instead of grieving. 

I love her so much. I miss her more than I ever knew I could. She still is my everything within. 

I know I will need to let part of that go someday. I will always have a void. There will be a glass on the counter half empty, slowly evaporating. Do I fill it back to half full again? Should I add more water to make it fuller, so it takes less time to evaporate? Should I leave it empty on the counter? Put it away? 

What if it my glass falls, brakes, gets lost. Nothing can change how I feel. Not water, not a glass, not time. I love you sweet ladybug. I miss you more than ever.

Today I Sat

I just sat alone in my desolate living room missing Chele. 

I am so empty without her. 

This just isn’t fair. Life isn’t fair, I get that. 

We were supposed to grow old together. 

Love forever, we can still do, but not in the flesh. 

I tried to see if mint chocolate chip ice cream would clear up my blues. 

It didn’t

What do I say

I miss my bride more than ever. I don’t think anyone can ever understand the emptiness I feel without her. She was my everything. I long for her to help me with my everyday thoughts and feelings. I can think on my own, but it was a connection we had that helped me think and feel. A connection that can’t be explained or expressed to others.  I want her to be here when I cry. I want her to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. 

I want her here for my decisions big and small. Where is my love for my thoughts, my talks, my walks. 

Some say you are here in spirit but that is not good enough. I don’t even know what that means. What the hell is a spirit. Should I feel better because you say she is here in some spirit form. Umm, I don’t. I want you here in the flesh. I want to rub the back of your head. I want you to hold my hand. I want your warm lap to lay on. I need you real, living love. I don’t need this faky ass spirit shit. She is with you always crap. I have memories. I dream but they aren’t the same. I need the comfort of my sweet ladybug. I need to see her smile, not in a picture, not in a dream I need to see it see it. I want to have her reach out to me and touch my face. A spirit can’t do this. Your dog died, this is how you relate to me. Your friend’s husband died so now you know how I feel. 

Did your friend's husband reach out and hold your hand in the morning. Was your dog helping you think or talk with you through a process or issue. Did they smile at you when you said “L A D Y B U G” in the morning. 

If you think these words make someone feel somehow better, try just being there and being silent. I shouldn’t judge. They are trying to make me feel better. Maybe they are making themselves feel better by trying to make me feel better. 

Just change the dag gum subject.

I miss you honey bug each day more than the other. I will try to make your legacy live because you cannot.

Time in a bottle

I don’t need time. 

I don’t want time. 

Time will not heal me for I am not broken. 

I am not in pain. My wife died. 

I am empty. I miss her, I need her. 

Time can’t fill that void, sorry. 

I know people don’t know what to say, especially because they haven’t been through it.

People - Time won't heal and I am not broken.

Still

 If here still you were to be

my love for you would grow and grow

Now you're gone though but not from thought

my love the same never to flee

You should aim better

 I love you mucho grande

Bunches and bunches babe

Have I mentioned lately

No you haven't

The good ones are always taken

Who said I was any good

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me

I'm not answering that