Honored

 Hi Ladybug

There will be times like yesterday for years I am sure. Seeing someone we knew that doesn't know you're gone. 

It was an honor to serve you. You were a gift given to me that I will always cherish. I was grateful to be chosen to take care of you until you were gone from me forever. Thank you for allowing this.

Maybe God was protecting you from the hurt of losing your mom. She is fading fast. I talked to her and let her know we miss her and love her.

Have a heavenly Christmas babydoll. 

I love you

Brian

Bah humbug

The stocking weren't hung anywhere

Christmas doesn't matter anymore.

The house is empty now, no tree, no decorations

I'm fine with that.

I miss you

This just plain sucks

Ladybug ladybug where are you

I miss you so much

What’s wrong with me, with you things were easy now it is complicated

Did I say something wrong, did I treat them right, am I needy

Say this, don’t say that

Now you see me now you don’t

Time is the word I hear

How does time fix you being dead

This sucks

I love you. 

Man did we have it good, I was one lucky man

Happy Anniversary Lady Bug

The day has come and passed, I dreaded would last and last

22 years is not that long, that is, unless you’re gone

I wanted to spend the day with you, love, laugh, just be us

It wasn’t bad spending it with friends, trying to adjust

Your memory and image rarely left me and the hours passed

Tears filled my eyes a time or two, why are you so quiet, I was asked

You loved family game night, it was a favorite

So, I honored you as we played, laughed and joked – I knew your spirit was here with me

 I felt the support of family and for that I am grateful, the text and polos filled me with joy

The longest year is almost over. I thought October would be a tough one, but it was mild.

Thanksgiving and Christmas will sure to be empty. Support from my family and friends will lessen the void that will never be filled

Mucho Grande is how much I love you, "bunches and bunches" I hear you reply softly

Happy Anniversary Michelle my love, I hope it was a great day in heaven for you –

I miss you

Love, Brian

A love without end

Let me tell you a secret about my babydoll’s love

When I became her husband in the fall of 2k2 there was no doubt we spend our lives together as just one.

She loved me when I didn’t know I needed love.

She accepted when I didn’t know I needed acceptance.

She helped me when I didn’t know I needed help.

She held me when I didn’t know I needed to be held.

She touched my shoulder when she knew I needed to feel her touch.

She giggled when I needed a laugh.

She was present when I needed her to be present.

She gave me her all when I didn’t know I needed everything.

She loved.

She’s gone.

Now I need it.

I need comfort now, but that is not possible.

I need her to tell me it’s going to be ok.

I need her smile.

She never knew how much I loved her.

I never knew how much I’d miss her.

You truly don’t know what you have until it is gone.

I’m broken. Moving on is my only choice.

I’m crying and it doesn’t help.

I would say this isn’t fair and many would argue that life is not a carnival.

I move on, dredging more days than not.

I love you - Brian

Wrapped up in the heart

I miss you

You’re in my heart

I am not without you

What I do is done with you

Wherever I go it is with you

Whoever I see I see with you

Whenever I am sad, I am sad with you

Whenever I am happy, I am happy with you

How ever I act you are with me

Why question it when we are together, wrapped up inside my heart

Lonely

If I had a box for wishes, mine would be empty except for one day with you.

To hear you laugh again would be a treasure, just the joy and memory of you.

Lonely rivers flow and days go by, moments pass, I long for a touch from you.

It’s like a dream now that your gone, I stay awake dreaming though, longing for you.

You left me breathless when I looked into your eyes, I was so happy then, happy to have you.

I miss you more some days than others, I want to spend one more day with you

.

Memama

I left the water running.

I could tell you but you’re not here.

My failure was yours too, with nobody to share, like you my dear.

I left the water running.

You knew my dad jokes and loved the quirks.

My annoying imperfections you considered your perks.

I left the water running.

I cried at the movie you handled it smoothly.

I left the water running.

The rain will come to fill the rain tank again.

But you, the leader of my tribe will not, to my chagrin.

I left the water running and the tank is now dry, 

don't look now you might see me cry

Drifting

A bronco made from driftwood stirred my emotions today. The love of art was something we did not see the same way.

The perfect storm by Val Walden was too expensive you said, not long after it hung above the door overhead.

Now this osprey made from driftwood, buy it she’d say, it looks so good.

My tears soon dry as I missed her more now than ever. Why did you leave me alone I continue to endeavor.

You should be here. I don’t want to miss you today. Were we brought together to be broken, because broken is where I will stay.

I don’t want them to see me like this because I am not sure that they would understand. Unless they’ve experience this first hand.

Something New

We were supposed together grow grey and old. 

Each wrinkle we show, patio story gold.

A million stories kept and told.

But now I see new wrinkles and stories untold. 

I could sit with another and find a new hand to hold.

This, today, might fit the mold.

Your hand it can never be, your hand somehow I must set free.

Remember this my sweet Ladybug, Michelle, this new hand you see 

Will never hold the love I have for thee.

What do you think?

I have written so many notes to you and today I wondered, if you could write one to me, what would it say? Would you tell me you love me? You’ve had enough of my antics. It’s time to move on. I think I am only viewing this from my perspective - which is very self-focused.

Now that Michelle is gone, I cannot ask her “How do you feel?” Is this a fantasy or is it reality. We lived, we loved and now it is a memory. How to think of me would thee? Then and now.

I saw this picture today. Your smile, it was infectious. Christmas eve it was. You were happy. I cried. Nose running cry. I miss you so much. Keep looking out.

5 - more - minutes.

I'm an expert, of course

I needed a culvert. I hated the ditch in my front yard, and I wanted to get a culvert to match the one under the driveway. This was no small project. Installing a 30-inch culvert the 40-foot span of my yard was definitely going to need a backhoe. I ordered the culvert and paid them almost a full military paycheck for it. I set up the rental for the backhoe and found it was much cheaper to rent it for a long 4-day weekend. 

I remember the rental place asking me if I knew how to use a backhoe. Those of you who know me, know what my answer was. I was an expert at it. I knew exactly what I was doing, I just needed a slight refresher, and it would be like riding a bike. After bringing it home, it took me about 4 hours on the machine to figure out how the controls all worked and about the same amount of time to feel comfortable digging and using it. I eventually got my culvert installed and only had issues connecting it to the existing culvert under the driveway as it was not a perfect fit. Nothing a sledgehammer couldn’t fix!

I invited my new girlfriend, Michelle, down for the weekend to spend some quality time with me. She also helped me do some gardening and such. I already had the culvert installed but the backhoe sat there vacant. I was itching to get on it and “play.” I came up with a plan to raid some trees from the adjacent vacant lot.  A backhoe was probably not the best equipment to root a tree with, but it sure seemed like a great idea at the time. Michelle was skeptical but stayed quiet. I was the “new” guy, and she didn’t want to run me off with her opinions just yet. 

I found a few suitable trees and started digging. “This is going to be easy” I thought. The trees were coming out of the ground without any resistance. I was getting really good at working the backhoe and seemed to get the trees (weeds) out of the ground in no time at all. Michelle marked out the perfect spot in the yard for me to start digging the hole for the new tree. I drove the bucket into the ground and scooped out a large bucket full of dirt. Michelle was there to guide me as to where I should put the dirt. She pointed to her left and softly spoke, “Over there would be perfect” she said. I started to move the bucket to the left but to my surprise, and Michelle’s, the bucket jerked suddenly and quickly to the right. Michelle dove to the ground. I jumped off the machine knowing I just killed my new girlfriend. I expected to see blood everywhere. 

Michelle slowly looked up at me and smiled with her high cheeked dimple and said: “Where did you learn to work a backhoe? Maybe I should take over the controls for you.” Somehow, I did not hit her. Her quick reactions and a lot of pure luck saved me, and her. 

I don’t think we did much else after that. I covered the hole and parked the backhoe. I was thankful for my time with my new girlfriend, and ever so happy I narrowly escaped sure tragedy. 

A Different Perspective

I bought new shorts recently, a size 32. High school weight. I told the store associate that I dropped 4 pant sizes because I lost my wife. She mentioned something about a divorce, and I thought, “I wish.” It struck me suddenly, how horrible to say I "lost" her. I should never describe it as a loss. She isn't a set of keys. She isn't my favorite coat or hat when the first frost hits.

Michelle is living on in the memories we have made, so I have not lost her.

She never fought, lost, or succumbed to cancer. She never gave up. Those words make it sound like she didn’t try hard enough. Our 4–6-month prognosis was a glorious 16-month life journey.

She didn’t recently pass. She isn’t a car on the road. She isn’t a ticket to get in a theme park.

Remember this, she loved her family. She loved her grandchildren, all of them. She loved Christmas, the 4^th of July, and her birthday. These were times when she could see her boys’ joke around with each other and her grandchildren play. She loved life and lived.

She isn’t an angel looking down on us and she isn’t in a better place. If she was, I would be there with her. There would be no better place for her than right here with her family.

She lived, she died. Now we remember and love her.

Contradictory to my last post? Maybe, but maybe in line too.

The deal

The phone rings and I hear the sound of muffled tears. “Brian?” the light soft voice speaks. “Thank you.” The voice on the other end started to quaver as she stammered to get her words out. “We just signed a very high profile deal we have been working on for months and I have felt Michelle with me the entire time.” Hannah continued slight mewling as she described almost losing the deal a mere 2 weeks ago but feeling Michelle’s perseverance and presence hold true. “You were my first call, Brian” she cried. “Michelle was an amazing role model I will always look up to. Channeling my inner Michelle is a common occurrence. I loved her and miss her so much, she is still so present in my heart.” 

I was driving and needed to pull over to the nearest gas station. My tear-filled eyes made it difficult for me to see. I cried for several minutes in the parking lot before gathering my composure and continuing my drive. It was a tranquil drive back home to my empty house. Not sad, just a sense of absence and barrenness.

Congratulations Hannah on your accomplishment. Well done. We love you!

Brian and Michelle

Longing

I miss you today. I feel an emptiness. I long for the touch I will never feel. I long for the smile I will never see. I long for the voice I will never hear. I long for our love that will never fade.

I love you, Michelle Anne. I miss you so much. Today my longing is close to pain. Not from you, but from a loss. You would have and never will bring me pain. But for the first time since you left me, I feel actual pain.

Yours - Brian

Wish you were here

Today marks 5 months since you closed your eyes in my arms. I miss you more than ever. Time seems to stand still yet goes by so quickly. Opening night tonight for “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown.” I wish you could see me honey. You really would have liked it, I can hear your laugh and see your smile. You are with me though. Let’s do this.

I love you. Stephan says hi!

Love, Brian

Broken in Two

Michelle, my love, my soulmate, my true love. When you were diagnosed with cancer it broke us. We cried and vowed we would do everything we could to come out ahead in the end. Here I sit almost 2 years later, alone at our kitchen table that you stained and varnished, looking at the garden that you planted for the birds that I watch every day and I think “You are still here.” I think back to the time of diagnosis and think of how this time was a new time for us. A new life. I was lucky to live not 1 life but 2 lives with my soulmate. I was able to show my love for you by taking care of you. It started out by taking you to appointments and making you 3 meals a day. Life was almost normal except we both knew it wasn’t. Slowly time went on and things started to deteriorate. Eventually I was lifting you in and out of bed and to and from the toilet. The bedside commode was the only toilet we used because it was easier and more convenient. Our love continued to grow as your health faded. Soon you could no longer speak words to me. Your smile still lit the room when you entered but you could only say one or 2 words. I was the lucky one to hear them from your sweet lips. The days came when your bed was where you wanted to stay and getting up was not an option for you. I read Grimm’s fairy tales to you, and we held hands. Your smirk told me you were happy and relaxed. Then the morning came that my heart was broken. I saw you drift from me forever. This heart of mine that was so filled with our love for so many years now, was broken in two. I cry. I mourn. I lament my loss. Hours drag on. Time is standing still without you. 24 hours in a day but a day is an eternity without you. One day passes and I think, it’s been just one day? I have the rest of my life to live like this and it’s been just one day. The hours continue like this for days until the hours finally turn into days. I look back and think wow, 3 days ago she was here. On one hand it seems like it has been a very long time but on the other hand it seems like a few hours. Days turn into weeks eventually and I continue to mourn. It seems to not be getting any better. I am lonely and lost. I go to bed alone and wake up alone. There is nobody to cook for, so I don’t eat. Sleep is something that I get early in the night, 5 hours is normal.

Weeks soon are months, and I am finding a new normal. I think about my life with Michelle all the time, her memories surround me. My heart was once swollen, bursting with my love for my ladybug. When she was taken from me my swollen heart broke. When my heart broke, a new ventricle opened. Now, this empty ventricle, needs filling. 

I have questions for you Michelle, what do you think? You know me better than anyone in the world. You told my daughter that you thought I would need someone to take care of me. How long is too long and how short is too short? Who is in charge of the grieving calendar? Who tells us when to grieve and when not to grieve? 

There will never be another like you my sweet ladybug. You are one of a kind and nothing will ever replace you in my heart. I don’t want to replace you. I am not looking to have someone fill your role or fill your shoes, they are way too big and difficult to fill. Impossible if I must say.

I must though, move on. Find a new impossible. Find a new set of shoes. Open a new ventricle to my ever-beating heart. My love for you goes on forever babe. This love will never fade. Whether I can or cannot share it with someone, you will always be with me when I am with them.

I love you forever. Love, Brian 

True Love

A trigger hits and bam you are in tears. Possibly STUG, which is the sudden temporary upsurge of grief, possibly a random Instagram reel. There are many kinds of love, I was fortunate to have a unique love. One most will never see. I’ve read about it, seen it on movies, I don’t think I have ever seen anyone ever love the way Michelle and I did. This love truly does and will last forever, even if I am the only one living to experience it. My experience with our love is different now because it is a memory. I typed out “just a memory” but that showed no justice to my true heart. She is and always will be my everything. When I move on to another relationship, she will be part of that through me.

I used to introduce Michelle as my bride or my “better half.” Now that she is gone physically, we are whole. She completed me and has made me into the man I am.

I cried for 20 minutes last night before using my lifeline and “phoning a friend”. Plugged up nose and swollen eyes, I could barely breathe. I miss you, Michelle. No matter what happens and no matter how long it has been, my love will never change. I will always miss you and I will always be IN love with you.

Love you Mucho Grande Babe

Bunches!

Brian

Where the heck is it?

Oooga oooga

I remember Michelle saying this sometimes. She would look for something or struggle ever so slightly with something and then say ooga ooga. It was cute.

I was looking for my glasses this morning. I checked my head, not there, my chest, not there either. Not on the table - ooga ooga

Love, Brian

A cute shaved Bob

Michelle came to me one day in June of 2016. She was kind of uneasy and depressed. Michelle told me a story about her hair. She said that she would always change her hairstyle whenever she changed her relationship status. This status had not changed in over 16 years, and she was wanting to change her hairstyle. She was worried that if she changed her hair that something would happen with our relationship. A jinx was sure to happen if she cut her hair. After some coaxing and reassurance, she decided to go ahead with the change. She cut all of the length off the back. She shaved her head under her hairline. She was so excited because it was cooler for her. It was a really cute bob cut and it was very short. We both really liked it. I loved it for about 2 months until it started to grow back. It was either cut it again or let it grow back. It was at that transitional stage. She liked it for a lot less. It was probably a month before she was already missing her long hair and couldn’t wait for it to grow back. Lucky for her, her hair grew quickly.

 

Yin to my Yang

I've had some rough moments. 

I am really missing Michelle. It hits me and I get emotional. I get lonely and then wonder if it is loneliness or if it is sadness or what it is. 

I just miss my companion. My soulmate. 

I miss hearing BABE, or HI HOUNEY. 

I miss her craziness and her seriousness. I miss seeing her faces. I miss seeing her cry and watching her laugh. I miss her dimples. I loved watching her walk, talk, eat and play. She was fun to be around. She loved being alive. She loved life. I loved watching her take care of the hummingbirds. Fill the birdfeeders. I remember how mad she was when I took the bird nest down on the back patio. I would go out to mow, so she would work in the garden. 

Yin to my yang. 

She was the normal to my crazy. 

Everything I wasn’t. 

She completed me. 

What does that make me now? Half of what I was before? Of course, not. I think it makes me feel plum empty sometimes. Maybe not always anymore. Today though, a lot. Independence Day was special to Michelle. She liked it because it meant family. The last time we had all of the grandkids together with all of the kids was July 4^th, 2022. 108 days before she was diagnosed with stage IV small cell carcinoma. Brain cancer, spinal cancer, liver cancer, lung cancer. This rocked our world and split this family up. Now I am left with nobody, which I am ok with, except … I really miss my glue. I love you honey

Love, Brian

FFT yea you know me

Who the hell is supposed to get my damn splinters out?

Who thought about this?

Ok, now this shit ain't fair.

FFT AGAIN (Flippin' First Timer)

I am not sure if digging a hole into the palm of my hand is bringing the tear or if it is the FFT. The look on Chele's eyes below says it all!

- Ha

Dredging on

Hi Babe. 

It’s funny, life now. It used to be so mundane. I knew what to expect and I knew what my relationship status was. Now I sit and wonder about things. Will this change? Is it too soon to find new “friends”? Am I needy? Do I need to feel wanted? I can be alone. Do I want to be? With you it was easy, now it’s a challenge. I dredge on, watching the water fill in afterward, what should I do with this dredged material now? Leave it alone and save it for another day I suppose.  

That Smile

Your smile lit up a room. Strangers would approach you because you just felt welcoming. Those who knew you know that you didn’t like crowds and didn’t like being away from home. Those who didn’t know you saw a smile, bright welcoming eyes and open arms. What a gift you shared with all who were able to live in this world with you in it. Sweet Ladybug. I love you. 

Love, Brian

My Angel

You are my special angel sweet love. Happy birthday week - still

Love you, Brian

You are a Light

Today marked the day of your birth. An ordinary day to most, but to you it was special. You enjoyed being celebrated and loved. The joy you would fill people with every day of the year would come back this one day and fill your glass full. You would smile and get excited. All rules were out the window. Nothing was off limits for you. What you want is what you got. Pure joy.

There is darkness in death. We try to pretend there isn’t. We celebrate the life instead of having a funeral. We cremate the body instead of burying them and having a grave site memorial. Trying to bring light to a dark ending. You were the light in our lives.

Your memory is now the light. This light is on a lot for me. For some it isn’t and that’s ok. For some the light may be dimmer too. Last night I was looking at the Strawberry Moon and suddenly a tear came out of nowhere. It was beautiful. Talk about a flood light with one million lumens shining on me. Your light was reminding me that this Strawberry Moon was bringing joy to not only me, but millions of people around the world right now.

A little research told me that not only is this beautiful site, on the eve of Chele’s birthday, called the Strawberry Moon, it has a second name. The Honey Moon. The end of June traditionally marks the time for harvesting honey, leading to the “sweetest” moon of the year.

Coincidence? I think not. In darkness you bring light. You still amaze me my love. To say I’m inspired would be an understatement.

Thank you. Happy Birthday sweetheart.

Love, Brian

Because of you

Because of you, I am better, stronger, wiser, and more loving than would ever have been possible without you.

Thank you Michelle

Love, Brian

Human stringer

I carry the memories of all of our special times together in my heart. 

When I'm sad, I pick one and bring it to the front of my mind.

It made me smile when I thought about us building the wood bridge together. I put a string around the level and then tied it around my neck. I remember you chuckling about it then giving me a hard time about the level taking me under the water to my demise. You said you were worried about me strangling myself.

I looked dumb and I knew it. We both laughed. You also wondered why I didn't have the same safeguards for my DeWalt drill. Not too smart, we both laughed again.

2023

It is something that maybe I should not do, I have looked back on my journal to this day one year ago. 

You can see my struggles. It did not make the inevitable any easier.

6/15/23 – Thursday

I slept mediocrely. I was up and down with Michelle’s cough. She was uncomfortable all night unfortunately. I gave her a gummy when we went to bed and another around midnight. She was still uncomfortable. I think this radiation will take a while. Plus, this is not the only tumor causing issues. I do not want to tell her this either. I just want her to be as happy and as comfortable as possible. She was awake when I was awake this morning at 6am. She told Titan to stop licking. I was cuddling with her. I asked her if I was bothering her, she said no. I knew that she was awake because of her coughing. I just wish I could fix it all. I do not understand how this all happened to her. She is so perfect for me. I know nobody is perfect, but why is God taking her from me? Why is this all happening to me? Why am I being forced to be the strong one? Soon I will break down. This has been a trying time and I need to stay as tough and strong as I can for Michelle. She cannot see weakness in me, or she will mentally break. I have seen it. She started to cry, and I needed to build her back up. She is not the same woman physically anymore. She used to be so strong. Now she is frail. She walks leaned over and wabbly. She is uneasy on her feet. She will be in a wheelchair soon enough. Again, I ask why? How is this fair? I suppose one could argue we had 20 years. I could argue back that this was not long enough. I could go on, but I’ll stop.

If Today a Normal Day Were

Today I sit and wonder what we would do if you were here. 

What if this was a normal day and cancer never was, what would we do? 

How many times would I say, “I love you”? 

How many times would I kiss you? 

Would we hold hands or dance today? 

Would I make you laugh? 

I wonder if today a normal day were, what a day it would be. You made everyday the best day and I knew it. Never once did I take advantage of it. I was lucky to have you babe, so thank you for being part of me. I love you. 

Love, Brian

Where will you be in a year?

I was sad a year ago, but my sadness was different. I was thinking about the homeopathic meds I was giving Michelle and was still hopeful they were working. I wrote in a journal entry that I had "hope and a prayer." I also wondered where I was in June of 2022 and where were my priorities and how much had changed. Then I asked myself where I would be in June of 2024. I knew there would be a void, I just had no way of knowing how large. This was the week of the “Life is a Highway” update. I wish there were the ups from last year. It seems like June of this year has been filled with downs. Most of the drives are valley drives in low, I am wondering how long this will last.

Last June I wrote: "I am not sure how many more days I have with my bride. I know I probably have months, but as fast as this disease is moving, it scares me to think how quickly she could go. We held hands on the patio until she got too cold. We came in and watched TV together. I held her close and listened to her heartbeat."

I love you sweet ladybug.

Love, Brian

https://sclcsucks.blogspot.com/2023/06/life-is-highway.html

Junkin'

I went through Thrall again yesterday and I thought of you when I passed the old antique store. Years ago, you found a place to junk in Taylor. You told me about going “junkin” at a store in Taylor and I thought for sure you meant you were vintage shopping at an antique store. You took me to Don’s Treasures and boy was there a lot of junk. One day I almost fell through the floor looking for an old door he had stacked in the back room. He had more junk in those 3 store fronts than anyone could ever imagine. Some of the aisles were cluttered with so much stuff you could not even make it to the end. There were boxes and merchandise stacked from the floor all the way to the ceiling. Don had glass display cases filled with what he thought was valuable. Small silver trinkets and coins. In the end, I was surprised that he made enough money to pay the rent.

You loved going there. Don had such a crush on you too. He was about 70 years old, and he would flirt with you. You ate it up. You never left his shop empty handed either, whether it was a silver tray you later painted for your sister or an old wooden tomato basket, you always found something to support Don. One day you came home sad and told me that Don was getting divorced, and his wife was leaving him. He was selling his store in Taylor and moving to Thrall. I remember you were so excited to show me his new shop he set up in Thrall. We couldn’t find the shop, but you were sure it was in this certain spot. The shop we were looking at was completely empty and it was clearly not a place to junk or antique. We later learned that Don had a heart attack and died. I saw a tear in your eye when you heard the news. He was more than a Junker to you, he was a friend. We found his house in downtown Taylor and saw they were having a yard sale. We were both sad thinking that Don would no longer greet us with a smile when we walked into his shop. Junking was never the same after that.

Leave a message at the Beep

Hey babe, do you have a second?

I'm not here right now, just leave a message 

Can you help me with this fence panel?

I'm not here right now, just leave a message 

Do you want any veggies with that or do you want to just eat the chicken à la carte?

I'm not here right now, just leave a message 

Did you see I washed the car?

I'm not here right now, just leave a message 

I’m waiting for you to watch a show with me, I’m not watching TV without you, are you coming in here soon?

I'm not here right now, just leave a message 

Here is my message, my sweet girl. I love and miss you. I am slowly making it without you. I am finding a new normal. Don’t worry, things will never be the same without you. You will always be in my heart. Things now will just be different.

Forever yours - Still

Love, Brian

Come on' man

When I got up to use the bathroom last night, I miscalculated the door and almost ran into the gun cabinet. It reminded me of a Michelle story. 

It was about 2am one morning and I got up to use the bathroom. I was so tired I could barely stand up. I crawled out of bed left foot first, then the right foot. Unsteady, I started my long 5 ½ foot journey to the bathroom. The first noise Chele heard was a loud squeal. I think this woke her up. I bumped into the doorway, missing my turn by mere inches. I heard her take a breath in, but she didn’t say anything, at least I don’t remember her saying anything. I was extremely tired. 

I backed up and took another shot at it and almost cracked my head open on the gun cabinet on the other side of the doorway.  You could hear the crack followed by a loud “Ouch”. I heard Chele chuckle this time. I finally collapsed onto the toilet, a loud thunk was heard as I hit the toilet seat. “Are you ok babe” she said from her knackered sleepiness. I mumbled something unrecognizable, I guess. I thought I said I was fine. Apparently, it sounded more like Russian. 

I came back to bed and we both started to giggle. You know that kind of giggle that you start and you just can't stop? 

Leave it to me to find a way to try knocking myself out in the middle of the night. Come on’ man.

I second that Emotion

Emotions are a funny thing. One minute I can be just fine and the next a flood comes rolling in. You are sitting there asking “do you want to play Cribbage?” She always beat me at Rummy, and I had a chance with Cribbage, and she knew it.

I can see you taking your hair down and playing with it. Your fingers would roll slowly through the roots then you would pull out a few strands.

I loved the smell of your hair after you would condition it. So many memories. I love you.

You should be here babe.

The Cry of the Bullfrog

Hi babe. Remember that Ash tree you talked me into buying, it is so full now. I call it the “Harley” tree because that is where we laid your dog down. The oak tree you bought is thriving up front as well. You sure had a knack for picking out the right tree for the right place.

Why didn’t you tell me how invasive the purple bindweed was. That dag gum thing twisted its way around the vine of the tomato plant in your garden. It also took over the Bell pepper plant. There are no Zucchini because of that stupid thing. I guess this is why you weeded that garden so much. It’s not just me who misses you my love.

The dove mourned and I heard your song

The weed vined and choked the stalk

The night echoes with the cry of the bull frogs

The butterflies sense the sadness at the doorway as they gather

You are missed my Ladybug, you are definitely missed.

Home Town Fan

I was working in Dallas in 2011 and 2012. I had a contract with Lockheed Martin that was on again off again until 2016. At this time, I was traveling weekly to Dallas. I left Monday mornings at 6am and would return Thursday evening around 7pm then work remotely on Fridays.  I would listen to sports radio on my trip to and from Dallas every week. It was hard to listen to the commentators and not become a fan of the local team. I like baseball and I was not into dynasty fantasy football yet. It was a slow sports period, and I became a fan of the Texas Rangers. I started watching them on TV because they never showed the Twins on local channels. I still followed the scores of the Twins but could not watch the games. I considered myself a 2-way fan. I got to know player names on the Texas Ranger’s team. I knew some stats just from listening to the radio shows.

I convinced Michelle to spend some time with me at my extended stay hotel that I kept in Dallas. She came up in August of 2012 and spent a few days with me. Instead of me driving home on Thursday night, we stayed for a Texas Rangers vs Minnesota Twins game on August 23^rd. It was a night game so luckily it wasn’t too hot for a Texas August evening. I knew I was going to be able to sit down and cheer on both teams equally, I remember bragging to Michelle about how this would be easy. She just smiled, tilted her head and showed me her cute dimple. She didn’t say much. Michelle wasn’t a baseball fan, so she was really just there because I wanted her to come with me. Michelle was so sweet and loving, sacrificing a hot Texas evening for her husband’s stupid antics was a small price for her. How did I get so damn lucky?

As soon as the first pitch was thrown out, I started cheering on the Twins and immediately hated the Rangers. I was very surprised at how quickly my roots showed up. I truly thought I could just listen to some sports radio for a couple of months and become a fan of a team then cheer them against my childhood team? Fat chance.

I didn’t listen to much sports radio after that weekend. Michelle and I listened to 80’s rock and Carrie Underwood on our way home Friday. The things she did for love. That is a trip I will always remember. As for Michelle, it is probably one she forgot as soon as we got home! I love you honey, you’re the best.

Do you see what I see

Hi babe. The sun came up again today. It was a nice sunrise too. Your roses are on their second bloom this year. The planter you hung outside the picture window has nice flowers in it now. So much life reminding me of you. So much of you here. So much Love.

People say I’ll feel you

People say I’ll hear you

People say I’ll see you

People say you are here

Who are these people?

I don’t ever “feel you” or “feel your presence.”

I don’t “Hear” you. I can imagine you saying something sometimes, but this isn’t hearing you.

I see pictures of you, I see flowers that remind me of you. I don’t see you though.

If you were here, spirit or otherwise, I wouldn’t be so lonely, so I call bullshit.

Many things I do, say, or see, spark a memory. Maybe it makes people feel better if this is what they see, hear or feel. Maybe I’m more of a realist. I do love you sweet thang.

All these words because I was looking at the flowers in the planter you hung outside the window and thought “She’d like those.”

Lessons from Grandma

Nobody knows until they’ve been there. You can say you understand. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Losing your best friend, your soulmate, your better half, your only half. It’s not just a thing, it is EVERYthing. My grandma used to experience STUG which is the sudden temporary upsurge of grief after my grandpa died 20 years before she did. I knew as a teenager why she was crying. I thought it was sweet. I did not understand it. Now I understand it. The love. The passion. The emotion. The friendship. The tenderness.

I cherished the love I had for Michelle, and I still do. I am fortunate. Thank you, Grandma, for the lessons at such a young age.

I love you Michelle

French Fries

Hi honey, I caught myself talking to you yesterday, then called myself crazy. It was an accident. I was eating some trash food from McDonalds. I had some fresh French fries. I remember how we both loved them so much. They had to be hot and fresh. These were, until a tear fell on them, that made them soggy. I asked you if you wanted some. I remember how you used to open the ketchup packet and put a little bit of ketchup on each individual fry. So much effort. The little things. Do you want my other burger too? I guess the fries were enough. I love you babydoll. 

No pain just Emptiness

I miss having something to do. 

I miss having someone to hang out with. 

I find things to do all day, then the daylight starts to fade, and I wonder now what? How can I occupy my time alone in the dark? 

I heard that watching TV is a nice thing to do but this will flood memories of you. I could listen to music, but the music I like, we liked. Tears are sure to fall. What then could I do, sit and think of you? 

Solitaire is a game for one, not much fun and hardly won. 

I’m up and walking around, then I sit and think of you. 

Is it pain I feel when I think of you? 

Pain is not something I describe you as, so no. 

Emptiness. 

A void. 

No hurt, no pain. 

You did not hurt me baby, not now, not ever. 

I love you - Still.  

New Normal

My new normal has been trying to find a new normal. This is so strange, I never thought I would ever hear myself speak the words finding a new normal. I find myself trying to stay busy. I sprayed for weeds, and I thought, I wonder when she will notice. I put the 4-pound backpack on, do you think she smiled at me? This is the first time I’ve done that. I was spraying the rock walkway, she said, “that’s smart.” New normal they say. It’s been 3 months now. Is this healthy, writing my feelings about you almost daily? Should I try to forget? Could I forget? The hole is large. The void too big to imagine. Maybe if I was like them and believed I’d see you again somehow. Maybe if somehow, you were here in spirit. Somehow, I felt your presence. I would think that would be a disorder of some sort, but that’s me. I love you forever babe and will forever be empty. I wish I could believe something different, but reality is, I have what I had and now it is just in my memory. I’ll stop writing one day, but I will never stop thinking of you constantly. I love you Ladybug.

The Little Things

I remember the little things that you would say that made me smile. Before we moved out to the ranch, I never knew you called barbed wire, bob wire. I can hear you talking to your mom on the phone as if it were today. 

“Dad fixed the bob wire fence by the culvert. Tilly was getting out there. It was froggy this morning, so he wanted to get it done before it got too hot.” 

You didn’t know how cute you were.  Even others would comment how cute the sayings you would say were. I never understood why you called me “dad” but it didn’t bother me, it was you. 

I love you Michelle.

Some Say

Some say that the loss will fade, and I will find a new normal.

Is my new normal loneliness without you?

The sunsets, I see you in it.

The sun rises, I see you in it.

The fog rolls in, I hear you say it’s froggy out.

You’re on the patio until it gets too hot.

You’re in the garden until you get too sore.

You are here, you are there, you are everywhere.

PS: I saw you in my dreams last night. Behind that glass room. Thank you for the smile

Greed

Greed is a funny thing. How does death bring out the worst in others? If I have something on my wall, should I take it down and give it away because someone wants it? Should I take things off a table and give them a table that barely stands, because it might remind them of you? Now I have no place to put the printer, or the computers. This makes no sense to me. Someone actually asked, “what is he doing with the car?” Um, driving it. Why is life insurance so important. Get rich quick off someone’s death. I am so disappointed in those so immature.

Let’s do dinner, I’m lonely and emotionally wore out. Crickets are heard. No surprises. I will take his land and turn it into my own community profit. Who said anything about giving away land? They aren’t even present in my life. Through the toughest moments of my grief. My tears I shed daily. Were you there for an FFT? Do you know what an FFT is? Did you see me cry today? I mowed and missed hearing “I’m surprised at how nice it looks babe” Did you wake up alone and lonely? Was someone there for you? How is your grief going? Has it turned to anger toward me because you don’t understand my grief and don’t care to try? 

Take this crumb now boys and be gone - fly away

Triggers

Why do I get so snappy babe? Is it because I miss you?

I have a list of “Brian” triggers, I’m told by friends.

No hugs, don’t ask how he is doing, don’t ask him if he needs anything, don’t give him space, give him space. Don’t park there, clean up your trash, chew with your mouth shut, no food in the trash, just let him clean up.

I guess you grounded me my love. I have nothing but time now, time spent in grief and finding small things that irritate me. I need your smile, your voice. I need to care for you and you for me. There are so many who praise how I took care of you during our cancer journey. Do they know that you too were taking care of me? Now you aren’t. I didn’t have these feelings when you were here. These triggers, well mostly, weren’t here. A void.

I love you Michelle Anne Luck. You were truly one of a kind. I was fortunate to have you for the short period of time I did. Just 1/3 of your life.

Always,

Brian