I second that Emotion

Emotions are a funny thing. One minute I can be just fine and the next a flood comes rolling in. You are sitting there asking “do you want to play Cribbage?” She always beat me at Rummy, and I had a chance with Cribbage, and she knew it.

I can see you taking your hair down and playing with it. Your fingers would roll slowly through the roots then you would pull out a few strands.

I loved the smell of your hair after you would condition it. So many memories. I love you.

You should be here babe.

The Cry of the Bullfrog

Hi babe. Remember that Ash tree you talked me into buying, it is so full now. I call it the “Harley” tree because that is where we laid your dog down. The oak tree you bought is thriving up front as well. You sure had a knack for picking out the right tree for the right place.

Why didn’t you tell me how invasive the purple bindweed was. That dag gum thing twisted its way around the vine of the tomato plant in your garden. It also took over the Bell pepper plant. There are no Zucchini because of that stupid thing. I guess this is why you weeded that garden so much. It’s not just me who misses you my love.

The dove mourned and I heard your song

The weed vined and choked the stalk

The night echoes with the cry of the bull frogs

The butterflies sense the sadness at the doorway as they gather

You are missed my Ladybug, you are definitely missed.

Home Town Fan

I was working in Dallas in 2011 and 2012. I had a contract with Lockheed Martin that was on again off again until 2016. At this time, I was traveling weekly to Dallas. I left Monday mornings at 6am and would return Thursday evening around 7pm then work remotely on Fridays.  I would listen to sports radio on my trip to and from Dallas every week. It was hard to listen to the commentators and not become a fan of the local team. I like baseball and I was not into dynasty fantasy football yet. It was a slow sports period, and I became a fan of the Texas Rangers. I started watching them on TV because they never showed the Twins on local channels. I still followed the scores of the Twins but could not watch the games. I considered myself a 2-way fan. I got to know player names on the Texas Ranger’s team. I knew some stats just from listening to the radio shows.

I convinced Michelle to spend some time with me at my extended stay hotel that I kept in Dallas. She came up in August of 2012 and spent a few days with me. Instead of me driving home on Thursday night, we stayed for a Texas Rangers vs Minnesota Twins game on August 23^rd. It was a night game so luckily it wasn’t too hot for a Texas August evening. I knew I was going to be able to sit down and cheer on both teams equally, I remember bragging to Michelle about how this would be easy. She just smiled, tilted her head and showed me her cute dimple. She didn’t say much. Michelle wasn’t a baseball fan, so she was really just there because I wanted her to come with me. Michelle was so sweet and loving, sacrificing a hot Texas evening for her husband’s stupid antics was a small price for her. How did I get so damn lucky?

As soon as the first pitch was thrown out, I started cheering on the Twins and immediately hated the Rangers. I was very surprised at how quickly my roots showed up. I truly thought I could just listen to some sports radio for a couple of months and become a fan of a team then cheer them against my childhood team? Fat chance.

I didn’t listen to much sports radio after that weekend. Michelle and I listened to 80’s rock and Carrie Underwood on our way home Friday. The things she did for love. That is a trip I will always remember. As for Michelle, it is probably one she forgot as soon as we got home! I love you honey, you’re the best.

Do you see what I see

Hi babe. The sun came up again today. It was a nice sunrise too. Your roses are on their second bloom this year. The planter you hung outside the picture window has nice flowers in it now. So much life reminding me of you. So much of you here. So much Love.

People say I’ll feel you

People say I’ll hear you

People say I’ll see you

People say you are here

Who are these people?

I don’t ever “feel you” or “feel your presence.”

I don’t “Hear” you. I can imagine you saying something sometimes, but this isn’t hearing you.

I see pictures of you, I see flowers that remind me of you. I don’t see you though.

If you were here, spirit or otherwise, I wouldn’t be so lonely, so I call bullshit.

Many things I do, say, or see, spark a memory. Maybe it makes people feel better if this is what they see, hear or feel. Maybe I’m more of a realist. I do love you sweet thang.

All these words because I was looking at the flowers in the planter you hung outside the window and thought “She’d like those.”

Lessons from Grandma

Nobody knows until they’ve been there. You can say you understand. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Losing your best friend, your soulmate, your better half, your only half. It’s not just a thing, it is EVERYthing. My grandma used to experience STUG which is the sudden temporary upsurge of grief after my grandpa died 20 years before she did. I knew as a teenager why she was crying. I thought it was sweet. I did not understand it. Now I understand it. The love. The passion. The emotion. The friendship. The tenderness.

I cherished the love I had for Michelle, and I still do. I am fortunate. Thank you, Grandma, for the lessons at such a young age.

I love you Michelle

French Fries

Hi honey, I caught myself talking to you yesterday, then called myself crazy. It was an accident. I was eating some trash food from McDonalds. I had some fresh French fries. I remember how we both loved them so much. They had to be hot and fresh. These were, until a tear fell on them, that made them soggy. I asked you if you wanted some. I remember how you used to open the ketchup packet and put a little bit of ketchup on each individual fry. So much effort. The little things. Do you want my other burger too? I guess the fries were enough. I love you babydoll. 

No pain just Emptiness

I miss having something to do. 

I miss having someone to hang out with. 

I find things to do all day, then the daylight starts to fade, and I wonder now what? How can I occupy my time alone in the dark? 

I heard that watching TV is a nice thing to do but this will flood memories of you. I could listen to music, but the music I like, we liked. Tears are sure to fall. What then could I do, sit and think of you? 

Solitaire is a game for one, not much fun and hardly won. 

I’m up and walking around, then I sit and think of you. 

Is it pain I feel when I think of you? 

Pain is not something I describe you as, so no. 

Emptiness. 

A void. 

No hurt, no pain. 

You did not hurt me baby, not now, not ever. 

I love you - Still.  

New Normal

My new normal has been trying to find a new normal. This is so strange, I never thought I would ever hear myself speak the words finding a new normal. I find myself trying to stay busy. I sprayed for weeds, and I thought, I wonder when she will notice. I put the 4-pound backpack on, do you think she smiled at me? This is the first time I’ve done that. I was spraying the rock walkway, she said, “that’s smart.” New normal they say. It’s been 3 months now. Is this healthy, writing my feelings about you almost daily? Should I try to forget? Could I forget? The hole is large. The void too big to imagine. Maybe if I was like them and believed I’d see you again somehow. Maybe if somehow, you were here in spirit. Somehow, I felt your presence. I would think that would be a disorder of some sort, but that’s me. I love you forever babe and will forever be empty. I wish I could believe something different, but reality is, I have what I had and now it is just in my memory. I’ll stop writing one day, but I will never stop thinking of you constantly. I love you Ladybug.

The Little Things

I remember the little things that you would say that made me smile. Before we moved out to the ranch, I never knew you called barbed wire, bob wire. I can hear you talking to your mom on the phone as if it were today. 

“Dad fixed the bob wire fence by the culvert. Tilly was getting out there. It was froggy this morning, so he wanted to get it done before it got too hot.” 

You didn’t know how cute you were.  Even others would comment how cute the sayings you would say were. I never understood why you called me “dad” but it didn’t bother me, it was you. 

I love you Michelle.

Some Say

Some say that the loss will fade, and I will find a new normal.

Is my new normal loneliness without you?

The sunsets, I see you in it.

The sun rises, I see you in it.

The fog rolls in, I hear you say it’s froggy out.

You’re on the patio until it gets too hot.

You’re in the garden until you get too sore.

You are here, you are there, you are everywhere.

PS: I saw you in my dreams last night. Behind that glass room. Thank you for the smile

Greed

Greed is a funny thing. How does death bring out the worst in others? If I have something on my wall, should I take it down and give it away because someone wants it? Should I take things off a table and give them a table that barely stands, because it might remind them of you? Now I have no place to put the printer, or the computers. This makes no sense to me. Someone actually asked, “what is he doing with the car?” Um, driving it. Why is life insurance so important. Get rich quick off someone’s death. I am so disappointed in those so immature.

Let’s do dinner, I’m lonely and emotionally wore out. Crickets are heard. No surprises. I will take his land and turn it into my own community profit. Who said anything about giving away land? They aren’t even present in my life. Through the toughest moments of my grief. My tears I shed daily. Were you there for an FFT? Do you know what an FFT is? Did you see me cry today? I mowed and missed hearing “I’m surprised at how nice it looks babe” Did you wake up alone and lonely? Was someone there for you? How is your grief going? Has it turned to anger toward me because you don’t understand my grief and don’t care to try? 

Take this crumb now boys and be gone - fly away

Triggers

Why do I get so snappy babe? Is it because I miss you?

I have a list of “Brian” triggers, I’m told by friends.

No hugs, don’t ask how he is doing, don’t ask him if he needs anything, don’t give him space, give him space. Don’t park there, clean up your trash, chew with your mouth shut, no food in the trash, just let him clean up.

I guess you grounded me my love. I have nothing but time now, time spent in grief and finding small things that irritate me. I need your smile, your voice. I need to care for you and you for me. There are so many who praise how I took care of you during our cancer journey. Do they know that you too were taking care of me? Now you aren’t. I didn’t have these feelings when you were here. These triggers, well mostly, weren’t here. A void.

I love you Michelle Anne Luck. You were truly one of a kind. I was fortunate to have you for the short period of time I did. Just 1/3 of your life.

Always,

Brian

Let's Dance the Night Away

Many of my thoughts have been consumed by Michelle. Another night in an empty bed. She wasn’t waiting up for me when I came home. “How was it babe?” “Did it help you?” She was never comfortable around strangers and could never be in an open environment sharing a loss with others.

I want to sit next to you and tell you all about it. Can I kiss your forehead? Let’s hold hands. Can you hear the music? Let’s dance. She looks up to me and smiles. No, I can’t hear anything. I sway and rock her, holding her close. I let her go but keep her hand in mine. I force a quick spin then bring her back to me. Listen closely, they are playing our song. Just lay your head on my shoulder and we will dance the night away.

Daisy, Daisy

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do,

I'm half crazy,

All for the love of you.

“You are late” the Costco receipt checker joked. “You better get those daisies to her.” A slight chuckle as I walk away and then there were alligator tears. Hell yea I’m late. If he only knew. If I could just take one of these soon to be blooming daisies and set it on the ground near you Michelle. Just to get the chance to watch, you smile at me. Watch you tilt your head at me and say “Aww, Howney!” To watch you pick it up and bring it to your face to smell it. “It stanks perty”. Her sense of humor became mine as the years passed. 

I would want more, but that would be enough. Damn Freddie is in my throat again. Here's to you, Costco greeter man. Real American Hero.

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day Michelle. Today was always a day to make my soulmate feel like a special mom. A day where the focus was you Babydoll.

Michelle loved Mother’s Day. As the years passed, Chele became more transparent with her feelings and how special time about her was. She loved Mother’s Day and Birthdays. She loved to be celebrated. She was proud of the woman she had become. Strong, vibrant and influential. I told her in the cancer journey that she was inspiring to many. That she was a strong woman who takes each day on in a graceful loving way that inspires others to love and live like her. She would smile and tell me she did not understand that. That was so ~her. Her daily encouragement to deal with cancer with an attitude of “I’ve got you; you don’t have me” was motivational to experience and made me believe she would live forever.

I miss you Ladybug. Thank you for your insight to how best to deal with adversity. Your legacy will live on forever and you will continue to inspire those who remember your many life journeys, through the strengths and shortcomings.

Hi Honey

I went to Walmart to get mason jars for the honey.  I parked in a lot across the street from Walmart and walked over to get more steps. I started thinking about my sweet love as I was walking. Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I was thinking, which jars should I buy for our honey, should I get cheese cloth to prevent the crystallization, would she have come with me. We often would go on these short adventures together. A quick trip to pick up mason jars for the honey then maybe buy some annuals for the shepherd hooks. Freddie (the frog) jumped into my throat. My next thought was to buy some straws, then I could try sucking it up! Ba dum tss. I smiled and let out an audible chuckle. She would’ve liked that one.

Experts and their Theories

I dreamt about Michelle. It was another recurring dream. I seem to have a lot of them lately.  Adults who experience frequent recurring dreams tend to have worse psychological health than those who do not, and many experts theorize that these dreams may be a way to work through unmet needs or process trauma. My recurring dreams are not always about Michelle, but I have them frequently. 

Michelle and I were shopping for swimsuits. We found one that was as beautiful as the sunset after a hot stormy Texas day. The colors were vivid and vibrant. It looked a lot like the one she already had but was much more memorable. It was a bigger size than she needed, and she was complaining about how it wouldn't look good on her because it would be too baggy and not fit right. I was trying to tell her how cute it was and how absolutely gorgeous she would look in it. 

Chele just rolled her blue eyes and told me that she probably would not be getting in the hot tub anytime soon so she would not be wearing it. I tried convincing her otherwise. We talked about how much fun it was to get in the hot tub when it was hot outside. 

Then I woke up. -Womp womp

It was a nice dream. I wish I could have more of those. Recurring or not. Screw the expert's theories.

Flicker the Lights for me

I looked up once while I was mowing. It was past sunset and almost dark. I was hoping to see the lights flicker on and off. I remember one time how frustrated you were at me when I was mowing this late. You wanted me in the house not outside. I remember understanding your frustration but thinking “5 more minutes”. Now I wish I had those 5 minutes back. Flicker the lights for me baby. Tell me to come in the house and stop mowing. It’s dinner time. It’s time for our shows. It’s time to dance and sing. It’s time to hold hands. It’s time to look into each other’s eyes and get lost. Flicker the lights for me baby. I will jump off the mower and run to you. I will leave it running and run to you. Flicker the lights just once, so I know you care.

Poor me

Hey there Chele. Someone I thought was close to us took me the wrong way and has now disowned us. It’s funny how one incident can create so much hatred in those who call themselves Christians. I know you would be sad about this one. I meant no harm. I meant to protect you and in turn I was left alone – again. 

No questions, just silence. No love. Emptiness. They do not know how I feel, and it is obvious they do not care. I wish you were here to comfort me. Hold me. Tell me I had good intentions. How I will forever miss you. I sit now alone, all alone. I get a 30-minute phone call a few times a week from friends and maybe a family member or 2. I heard from more people when you were alive. I guess that’s because people cared about you, not me. I get that. I cared more about you too. I learned this is something called unrequited love. I had unrequited love for you. You inspire me still, keep me learning and striving to be a better man.

I miss my Ladybug. I wish you were here with me now. Holding me, telling me it was going to be ok.

Good Morning

I really miss Michelle in the morning. 

I miss waking up next to her. 

I miss her walking out from the bedroom and greeting me. 

She would tell me good morning and I would get a kiss. 

I think how many missed hugs I could have gotten. Can I cash in on one now? 

“What do you want for breakfast” 

She took care of me. She was my comfort. 

She had a spice mix she would make for her breakfast sausage. She would mix it together and make me a breakfast taco. 

Rarely would I make my first cup of coffee. She was always there to hand it to me. On the spot and there for me with a smile. 

I never felt like she felt burdened or obligated. If anything, I felt guilty. I often offered to make breakfast, but she refused. 

She did like it when I offered to make dinner though. Dinner was always a bigger task. My thoughts are on you now, today and always. 

I love you to infinity – Mucho Grande babe

Let's just talk

I think about you always Chele. 

Your smile

Your cute dimple

I miss our evenings watching TV on the couch

Talking at the kitchen table

I miss listening to you and being here with you

Your spirit is with me always my love

Weekend Plans

People have been asking me what my weekend plans are. 

I have none.

I would love to say I have some plans to spend them with you Chele. 

Maybe a trip to the beach. 

A walk on the shore picking up shells. 

We could watch the sunset or maybe the sunrise. 

I miss having you here with me. 

I am empty without you. 

I am learning to be empty now, something I don’t want to learn but I am being forced to learn. 

One day the void will be filled. I will always miss you though but living with this void will break me. 

I will fill it somehow. 

I love you sweet girl. 

Always.