Dredging on

Hi Babe. 

It’s funny, life now. It used to be so mundane. I knew what to expect and I knew what my relationship status was. Now I sit and wonder about things. Will this change? Is it too soon to find new “friends”? Am I needy? Do I need to feel wanted? I can be alone. Do I want to be? With you it was easy, now it’s a challenge. I dredge on, watching the water fill in afterward, what should I do with this dredged material now? Leave it alone and save it for another day I suppose.  

That Smile

Your smile lit up a room. Strangers would approach you because you just felt welcoming. Those who knew you know that you didn’t like crowds and didn’t like being away from home. Those who didn’t know you saw a smile, bright welcoming eyes and open arms. What a gift you shared with all who were able to live in this world with you in it. Sweet Ladybug. I love you. 

Love, Brian

My Angel

You are my special angel sweet love. Happy birthday week - still

Love you, Brian

You are a Light

Today marked the day of your birth. An ordinary day to most, but to you it was special. You enjoyed being celebrated and loved. The joy you would fill people with every day of the year would come back this one day and fill your glass full. You would smile and get excited. All rules were out the window. Nothing was off limits for you. What you want is what you got. Pure joy.

There is darkness in death. We try to pretend there isn’t. We celebrate the life instead of having a funeral. We cremate the body instead of burying them and having a grave site memorial. Trying to bring light to a dark ending. You were the light in our lives.

Your memory is now the light. This light is on a lot for me. For some it isn’t and that’s ok. For some the light may be dimmer too. Last night I was looking at the Strawberry Moon and suddenly a tear came out of nowhere. It was beautiful. Talk about a flood light with one million lumens shining on me. Your light was reminding me that this Strawberry Moon was bringing joy to not only me, but millions of people around the world right now.

A little research told me that not only is this beautiful site, on the eve of Chele’s birthday, called the Strawberry Moon, it has a second name. The Honey Moon. The end of June traditionally marks the time for harvesting honey, leading to the “sweetest” moon of the year.

Coincidence? I think not. In darkness you bring light. You still amaze me my love. To say I’m inspired would be an understatement.

Thank you. Happy Birthday sweetheart.

Love, Brian

Because of you

Because of you, I am better, stronger, wiser, and more loving than would ever have been possible without you.

Thank you Michelle

Love, Brian

Human stringer

I carry the memories of all of our special times together in my heart. 

When I'm sad, I pick one and bring it to the front of my mind.

It made me smile when I thought about us building the wood bridge together. I put a string around the level and then tied it around my neck. I remember you chuckling about it then giving me a hard time about the level taking me under the water to my demise. You said you were worried about me strangling myself.

I looked dumb and I knew it. We both laughed. You also wondered why I didn't have the same safeguards for my DeWalt drill. Not too smart, we both laughed again.

2023

It is something that maybe I should not do, I have looked back on my journal to this day one year ago. 

You can see my struggles. It did not make the inevitable any easier.

6/15/23 – Thursday

I slept mediocrely. I was up and down with Michelle’s cough. She was uncomfortable all night unfortunately. I gave her a gummy when we went to bed and another around midnight. She was still uncomfortable. I think this radiation will take a while. Plus, this is not the only tumor causing issues. I do not want to tell her this either. I just want her to be as happy and as comfortable as possible. She was awake when I was awake this morning at 6am. She told Titan to stop licking. I was cuddling with her. I asked her if I was bothering her, she said no. I knew that she was awake because of her coughing. I just wish I could fix it all. I do not understand how this all happened to her. She is so perfect for me. I know nobody is perfect, but why is God taking her from me? Why is this all happening to me? Why am I being forced to be the strong one? Soon I will break down. This has been a trying time and I need to stay as tough and strong as I can for Michelle. She cannot see weakness in me, or she will mentally break. I have seen it. She started to cry, and I needed to build her back up. She is not the same woman physically anymore. She used to be so strong. Now she is frail. She walks leaned over and wabbly. She is uneasy on her feet. She will be in a wheelchair soon enough. Again, I ask why? How is this fair? I suppose one could argue we had 20 years. I could argue back that this was not long enough. I could go on, but I’ll stop.

If Today a Normal Day Were

Today I sit and wonder what we would do if you were here. 

What if this was a normal day and cancer never was, what would we do? 

How many times would I say, “I love you”? 

How many times would I kiss you? 

Would we hold hands or dance today? 

Would I make you laugh? 

I wonder if today a normal day were, what a day it would be. You made everyday the best day and I knew it. Never once did I take advantage of it. I was lucky to have you babe, so thank you for being part of me. I love you. 

Love, Brian

Where will you be in a year?

I was sad a year ago, but my sadness was different. I was thinking about the homeopathic meds I was giving Michelle and was still hopeful they were working. I wrote in a journal entry that I had "hope and a prayer." I also wondered where I was in June of 2022 and where were my priorities and how much had changed. Then I asked myself where I would be in June of 2024. I knew there would be a void, I just had no way of knowing how large. This was the week of the “Life is a Highway” update. I wish there were the ups from last year. It seems like June of this year has been filled with downs. Most of the drives are valley drives in low, I am wondering how long this will last.

Last June I wrote: "I am not sure how many more days I have with my bride. I know I probably have months, but as fast as this disease is moving, it scares me to think how quickly she could go. We held hands on the patio until she got too cold. We came in and watched TV together. I held her close and listened to her heartbeat."

I love you sweet ladybug.

Love, Brian

https://sclcsucks.blogspot.com/2023/06/life-is-highway.html

Junkin'

I went through Thrall again yesterday and I thought of you when I passed the old antique store. Years ago, you found a place to junk in Taylor. You told me about going “junkin” at a store in Taylor and I thought for sure you meant you were vintage shopping at an antique store. You took me to Don’s Treasures and boy was there a lot of junk. One day I almost fell through the floor looking for an old door he had stacked in the back room. He had more junk in those 3 store fronts than anyone could ever imagine. Some of the aisles were cluttered with so much stuff you could not even make it to the end. There were boxes and merchandise stacked from the floor all the way to the ceiling. Don had glass display cases filled with what he thought was valuable. Small silver trinkets and coins. In the end, I was surprised that he made enough money to pay the rent.

You loved going there. Don had such a crush on you too. He was about 70 years old, and he would flirt with you. You ate it up. You never left his shop empty handed either, whether it was a silver tray you later painted for your sister or an old wooden tomato basket, you always found something to support Don. One day you came home sad and told me that Don was getting divorced, and his wife was leaving him. He was selling his store in Taylor and moving to Thrall. I remember you were so excited to show me his new shop he set up in Thrall. We couldn’t find the shop, but you were sure it was in this certain spot. The shop we were looking at was completely empty and it was clearly not a place to junk or antique. We later learned that Don had a heart attack and died. I saw a tear in your eye when you heard the news. He was more than a Junker to you, he was a friend. We found his house in downtown Taylor and saw they were having a yard sale. We were both sad thinking that Don would no longer greet us with a smile when we walked into his shop. Junking was never the same after that.

Leave a message at the Beep

Hey babe, do you have a second?

I'm not here right now, just leave a message 

Can you help me with this fence panel?

I'm not here right now, just leave a message 

Do you want any veggies with that or do you want to just eat the chicken à la carte?

I'm not here right now, just leave a message 

Did you see I washed the car?

I'm not here right now, just leave a message 

I’m waiting for you to watch a show with me, I’m not watching TV without you, are you coming in here soon?

I'm not here right now, just leave a message 

Here is my message, my sweet girl. I love and miss you. I am slowly making it without you. I am finding a new normal. Don’t worry, things will never be the same without you. You will always be in my heart. Things now will just be different.

Forever yours - Still

Love, Brian

Come on' man

When I got up to use the bathroom last night, I miscalculated the door and almost ran into the gun cabinet. It reminded me of a Michelle story. 

It was about 2am one morning and I got up to use the bathroom. I was so tired I could barely stand up. I crawled out of bed left foot first, then the right foot. Unsteady, I started my long 5 ½ foot journey to the bathroom. The first noise Chele heard was a loud squeal. I think this woke her up. I bumped into the doorway, missing my turn by mere inches. I heard her take a breath in, but she didn’t say anything, at least I don’t remember her saying anything. I was extremely tired. 

I backed up and took another shot at it and almost cracked my head open on the gun cabinet on the other side of the doorway.  You could hear the crack followed by a loud “Ouch”. I heard Chele chuckle this time. I finally collapsed onto the toilet, a loud thunk was heard as I hit the toilet seat. “Are you ok babe” she said from her knackered sleepiness. I mumbled something unrecognizable, I guess. I thought I said I was fine. Apparently, it sounded more like Russian. 

I came back to bed and we both started to giggle. You know that kind of giggle that you start and you just can't stop? 

Leave it to me to find a way to try knocking myself out in the middle of the night. Come on’ man.