I miss you today. I feel an emptiness. I long for the touch I
will never feel. I long for the smile I will never see. I long for the voice I
will never hear. I long for our love that will never fade.
I love you, Michelle Anne. I miss you so much. Today my
longing is close to pain. Not from you, but from a loss. You would have and
never will bring me pain. But for the first time since you left me, I feel
actual pain.
Today marks 5 months since you closed your eyes in my arms.
I miss you more than ever. Time seems to stand still yet goes by so quickly. Opening
night tonight for “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown.” I wish you could see me
honey. You really would have liked it, I can hear your laugh and see your smile. You are with me though. Let’s do this.
I love you. Stephan says hi!
Love, Brian
Michelle, my love, my soulmate, my true love. When you were diagnosed
with cancer it broke us. We cried and vowed we would do everything we could to
come out ahead in the end. Here I sit almost 2 years later, alone at our
kitchen table that you stained and varnished, looking at the garden that you
planted for the birds that I watch every day and I think “You are still here.”
I think back to the time of diagnosis and think of how this time was a new time
for us. A new life. I was lucky to live not 1 life but 2 lives with my
soulmate. I was able to show my love for you by taking care of you. It started
out by taking you to appointments and making you 3 meals a day. Life was almost
normal except we both knew it wasn’t. Slowly time went on and things started to
deteriorate. Eventually I was lifting you in and out of bed and to and from the
toilet. The bedside commode was the only toilet we used because it was easier and
more convenient. Our love continued to grow as your health faded. Soon you
could no longer speak words to me. Your smile still lit the room when you
entered but you could only say one or 2 words. I was the lucky one to hear them
from your sweet lips. The days came when your bed was where you wanted to stay
and getting up was not an option for you. I read Grimm’s fairy tales to you,
and we held hands. Your smirk told me you were happy and relaxed. Then the
morning came that my heart was broken. I saw you drift from me forever. This
heart of mine that was so filled with our love for so many years now, was broken
in two. I cry. I mourn. I lament my loss. Hours drag on. Time is standing still
without you. 24 hours in a day but a day is an eternity without you. One day
passes and I think, it’s been just one day? I have the rest of my life to live
like this and it’s been just one day. The hours continue like this for days
until the hours finally turn into days. I look back and think wow, 3 days ago
she was here. On one hand it seems like it has been a very long time but on the
other hand it seems like a few hours. Days turn into weeks eventually and I
continue to mourn. It seems to not be getting any better. I am lonely and lost.
I go to bed alone and wake up alone. There is nobody to cook for, so I don’t eat.
Sleep is something that I get early in the night, 5 hours is normal.
Weeks soon are months, and I am finding a new normal. I think about my life with Michelle all the time, her memories surround me. My heart was once swollen, bursting with my love for my ladybug. When she was taken from me my swollen heart broke. When my heart broke, a new ventricle opened. Now, this empty ventricle, needs filling.
I have questions for you Michelle, what do you think? You know me better than anyone in the world. You told my daughter that you thought I would need someone to take care of me. How long is too long and how short is too short? Who is in charge of the grieving calendar? Who tells us when to grieve and when not to grieve?
There will never be another like you
my sweet ladybug. You are one of a kind and nothing will ever replace you in my
heart. I don’t want to replace you. I am not looking to have someone fill your
role or fill your shoes, they are way too big and difficult to fill. Impossible
if I must say.
I must though, move on. Find a new impossible. Find a new
set of shoes. Open a new ventricle to my ever-beating heart. My love for you
goes on forever babe. This love will never fade. Whether I can or cannot share
it with someone, you will always be with me when I am with them.
I love you forever. Love, Brian
A trigger hits and bam you are in tears. Possibly STUG,
which is the sudden temporary upsurge of grief, possibly a random Instagram reel.
There are many kinds of love, I was fortunate to have a unique love. One most
will never see. I’ve read about it, seen it on movies, I don’t think I have ever
seen anyone ever love the way Michelle and I did. This love truly does and will
last forever, even if I am the only one living to experience it. My experience
with our love is different now because it is a memory. I typed out “just a memory”
but that showed no justice to my true heart. She is and always will be my
everything. When I move on to another relationship, she will be part of that
through me.
I used to introduce Michelle as my bride or my “better half.”
Now that she is gone physically, we are whole. She completed me and has made me
into the man I am.
I cried for 20 minutes last night before using my lifeline
and “phoning a friend”. Plugged up nose and swollen eyes, I could barely breathe.
I miss you, Michelle. No matter what happens and no matter how long it has
been, my love will never change. I will always miss you and I will always be IN
love with you.
Love you Mucho Grande Babe
Bunches!
Brian
Oooga oooga
I remember Michelle saying this sometimes. She would look for something or struggle ever so slightly with something and then say ooga ooga. It was cute.
I was looking for my glasses this morning. I checked my head, not there, my chest, not there either. Not on the table - ooga ooga
Love, Brian
Michelle came to me one day in June of 2016. She was kind of uneasy and depressed. Michelle told me a story about her hair. She said that she would always change her hairstyle whenever she changed her relationship status. This status had not changed in over 16 years, and she was wanting to change her hairstyle. She was worried that if she changed her hair that something would happen with our relationship. A jinx was sure to happen if she cut her hair. After some coaxing and reassurance, she decided to go ahead with the change. She cut all of the length off the back. She shaved her head under her hairline. She was so excited because it was cooler for her. It was a really cute bob cut and it was very short. We both really liked it. I loved it for about 2 months until it started to grow back. It was either cut it again or let it grow back. It was at that transitional stage. She liked it for a lot less. It was probably a month before she was already missing her long hair and couldn’t wait for it to grow back. Lucky for her, her hair grew quickly.
I've had some rough moments.
I am really missing Michelle. It hits me and I get emotional. I get lonely and then wonder if it is loneliness or if it is sadness or what it is.
I just miss my companion. My soulmate.
I miss hearing BABE, or HI HOUNEY.
I miss her craziness and her seriousness. I miss seeing her faces. I miss seeing her cry and watching her laugh. I miss her dimples. I loved watching her walk, talk, eat and play. She was fun to be around. She loved being alive. She loved life. I loved watching her take care of the hummingbirds. Fill the birdfeeders. I remember how mad she was when I took the bird nest down on the back patio. I would go out to mow, so she would work in the garden.
Yin to my yang.
She was the normal to my crazy.
Everything I wasn’t.
She completed me.
What does that make me now? Half of what I was before? Of course, not. I think it makes me feel plum empty sometimes. Maybe not always anymore. Today though, a lot. Independence Day was special to Michelle. She liked it because it meant family. The last time we had all of the grandkids together with all of the kids was July 4th, 2022. 108 days before she was diagnosed with stage IV small cell carcinoma. Brain cancer, spinal cancer, liver cancer, lung cancer. This rocked our world and split this family up. Now I am left with nobody, which I am ok with, except … I really miss my glue. I love you honey
Love, Brian
